Year By Year, Nothing

2012!!!!!! Omgzzzzzz...

So I know this post is long overdue...but what better time than the present to make it, right?

Here's what went down since we last spoke.

Finals happened, and my lowest grade was a B+ in music history I. 3.8 GPA, yall! Dean's list! Heyohhhhh.

I switched rooms, and am no longer living in 112 for various reasons. Castle Delin (room 323) is a lovely little place with a window overlooking the Rider and Shull parking lots. Wanna throw pebbles at my window? Look for the 2nd one above the Rider dumpster, that's me. Come on up, it'll be a grand ol' time, because...

My freakin' grandma gifted me a TV for Christmas! I now have everything I need to be a hermit, I suppose...netflix, an un-lofted bed, and a new 32" picture box to watch Glee with on Tuesday nights. Not that I want to stay in my room all the time, in fact I don't. But When all else fails, I'll have plenty of things to help me be lazy!

The neighbors seem alright, no loud bitches so far. Haven't met my new RA yet though, and I'll miss having Kiley :/

On a different note, tragedy struck on the drive to CR. Loooooord, that was one hell of a trip.

First, before I left, I redecorated Meredith's bowl with meme faces. It was truly a work of art, go check it out on my fb profile.

Now, understand this - Meredith had been alive since September, and I'd had her for a little over 3 months by this point in time. I admit I didn't take the best care of her, but I was all excited to take her home over the break and hopefully see how much longer she could survive! I put her in some tupperware with room-temperature water, put her by the air vent in my van so she wouldn't get too cold, and hoped for the best.

I haven't yet mentioned the monstrous amount of crap I had in tow; Since I no longer needed a lofted bed, I took mine home. All the pieces took up most of the titbus, leaving only 2 seats worth of space for my clothes, suitcase, clarinet, and other crap. At one point, I tried opening the side door, only to find it blocked by a large wooden panel, causing it to not budge. Leaving it be, I started the treacherous journey.

Frequent titbus travellers will know that due to its age and large size, my vehicle has terrible gas mileage. Now before I left, I put half a tank in there, thinking I would be good to go. However, I had no idea how the weight of my cargo could affect things. About halfway between CF and CR, I noticed I was already down to a quarter tank, and thought WTF. Then, when I thought things couldn't get any more nerve-wracking, my "door-open" light came on, and I heard an unsettling air leak coming from the back. The side door had come unlodged from the wooden panel that was supporting it, and although it hadn't come open more than half an inch, let me tell you...from that point until I got to a gas station was terrifying.

I pulled into a Casey's and fixed it, and by then, my gas light had come on - I was close to empty. After frantically checking my bank account from my phone, I discovered I only had enough in there to buy one gallon of gas. Being 20 miles outside of CR, I thought all hope was lost. It was now or never, do or die - I bought what little fuel I could afford, and braced myself for the home stretch.

Good God. My guts had never been so clenched. I watched in horror as the needle went below "E", when I had just gone through downtown. By some miracle, I ended up at home without my car dying. Never again.

The next morning, I woke up to find my seemingly immortal 3-month-old goldfish dead in her bowl. No doubt in my mind the temperature change was what killed her...oh well :[[

Anyway, so I've been at home for a while now. Practicing, sleeping past noon, and watching a LOT of SVU. Kinda ready to go back to CF and start being productive again. There are lots of reasons to want to go back, but some reasons I don't look forward to it as much..

One reson to celebrate - I signed the lease on a house for next year! Really looking forward to living off-campus, and my roomies are bomb :)

Also, we initiated 5 new SAI sisters before the break, including Stash, Caryn, and Julie! Allie Collins and Susan Pei also joined - super proud to be in SAI, especially with the new ideas we've been coming up with to branch out from our usual routine!

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to me to be a sister in this fraternity. I know I haven't really talked about it much here, but I'm extremely proud to be part of this group. We all care so much about music, and because of that, we can all identify with and support eachother. It brings together all the branches of the school of music - band, orchestra, vocalists, everyone. My sisters have all been really supportive of me when I was down about my clarinet playing, even when I felt like dropping my major once. I would do the same for any of them. Although I can't discuss it outside the fraternity, I've read through the ritual book a few times, just because the messages really rang true with me...I really want to see us do some great things in our community, and I can't wait to see where we go :)

I'm really looking forward to lessons this semester, too. I feel like I've found my niche with jazz clarinet, and the cool part of that is that the further I go with jazz on the clarinet, the easier everything else clarinet-related seems. I think it's because jazz improv pushes me to further my technical abilities, which is pretty cool. I'm starting jazz lessons again with Mr. Chris, and I'm going for my 100 levels with Dr. M this semester...fingers crossed!! Also, preparing an audition for WCFSO. Kind of scares the pee out of me that I'm already doing this, but hey, gotta start sometime!

There's a dark side to all of this happiness, however. Clearly, last semester wasn't my best. In fact, I hope to say it was my worst. I have a feeling I turned into someone I didn't want to be for a while, and that some things won't be the same again for a while, if ever.

Alright, I think it's time I got to my resolutions.

I'll start with the most important.

I don't want to be someone people have to be careful around. I don't want to be that girl you can't hang around with because you don't want trouble. I know I did some things a while ago that I'm not proud of, but the fact that I'm still judged for them tells me a lot of things, mainly, that I still have some amends to make. I'm sorry for the things I've done, and hey, if you still want to shut me out, go ahead. Can't say I'm not hurt though. I resolve to be easier to be with, whether I'm with you or not.

I also resolve to practice more, spend less, and be more professional.

This year showed me a lot of cool things about life, but I can't say I'll miss 2011. Tonight, I ring in the new year with Carly, Eileen and Rosslyn - lets go party like it's not 2011 anymore!!

Word to your mothers!

One Brown Winter's Eve...

This is not a happy post. This post is crazy as hell. Please excuse my raving, which I'm sure doesn't contain the best use of proper English.

This semester needs to be over.

Seriously, I mean I feel like I've just failed. At some things, at others, no. But generally, things have been not the best.

Sorry this graph sucks.

I need to just try again, because this time around just sucked. Yes, I improved at the clarinet and am now ready for the challenges being a performance major will bring, whereas I wasn't handling it well before. Yes, I figured out that I needed to get my act together and quit messing around. But all this shit that's happened this semester has accumulated to the point where I can't concentrate on anything. I may not be stressed from my classes, but right now, at this very moment, I'm emotionally stressed. I'm so frustrated right now, SO pissed...LORD, I just need the strength to not flip a tit this week.

FINALS WEEK...it is upon us. I can't say I'm worried about all of my tests, when I'm really only worried about music history. I'm prepared for my jury, and I've got really good reeds. No, it's not that I'm worried about. I hate how stressed everyone is, even though I know there's no way around it. I feel terrible, because I'm so much less busy than the other people in my world. Shoulda-coulda-woulda taken more classes, eh?

Words escape me right now. At this point, I'm kind of just typing every little thought that pops into my head. I've been in my sweats all day. I practiced clarinet for about half an hour and got bored. I started 3 different clarinet quartet arrangements last night and didn't finish any of them, though I got pretty far. I can't even. I have to pee, my mocassins are falling apart, where am I going to buy a carpet for next semester, why won't the zit on my left cheek go away?! Good God.

I need to go outside and scream profanities. I need to lay down on the couch with a puppy, take a nap, and absorb the love. I need to be away from here for a while, to refresh my perspective.

Angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst.

Next semester's ass will be kicked repeatedly.

The Vault

Ok, I feel like something needs to be said.

This post isn't directed at anyone in particular. This post is addressed to anyone who's pissed at someone and at a loss for what to say. So don't go thinking I'm directing this specifically at you...but if you've got a problem, listen up.

One thing that irks me more than anything is if someone's got a problem with someone else, and they don't just tell the person to their face. I'm sick of all this shit going on around here.

Without knowing any specifics, I can just sense it. It's like someone brought up in a conversation with me a few days ago - there seems to be a lot of drama within the UNI school of music. For some of us, it's making it less enjoyable to be here. We're all stressed out enough already, to varying degrees. Adding stupid drama to this already not-ideal situation just makes things worse.

I know, I'm probably one of the least stressed people here right now. I'm taking 12 credit hours, neither of my large ensembles are meeting this week, my financial situation is finally taken care of, and I've only really got 2 finals to study for. I'm not speaking on my own behalf. I'm talking about anyone who's enrolled in 18+ credit hours, for whom things aren't exactly going the best, who probably doesn't need you or anyone else judging them for any stupid mistakes they may have made. Calm down. Knock it off. Please?

Why do we need to judge people? Can't we just sit down and talk it out like rational human beings?

I don't care exactly what your problem is. I'm not interested in knowing everyone's little issues between eachother. That isn't any of my business. I'm not into starting trouble, and the sooner you all get that straight, the sooner we can all move on. All I would ask is that if you've got an issue with someone, please...don't drag someone else into it. Isn't it tiring, having to keep track of who knows what and who's involved with what?

I feel like a hypocrite. There was a time when I thought I needed to know everything that went on around me, that knowing all these things would make me more aware and would help me navigate the intense social maze of which I was a part. Look where it's gotten me - I've been judged for a fool.

Furthermore, there's something to be said for not telling someone at all when they're annoying you. I'm not saying go up to whoever's bugging you and tell them every little time they do something; at least just let them know politely when it's getting to be a problem. If you don't tell them, how's anything gonna get better? If you aren't able to talk it out with the person and reach a mutual understanding, where will that get you? Nowhere. There's nothing quite like just talking it out with someone - you may be surprised at how much more at ease you feel.

Along those same lines, if someone comes to you wanting to talk about a problem, there's no reason to get pissed, defensive, or irrational. Again, that gets you nowhere and doesn't help anything.

Stick that in your bowl and eat it...I say this all out of concern, not out of anger.

Also, I'm done. I really don't want to hear about it anymore. I'm done being involved in any drama...if you want someone to talk to as an unbiased listener, I'll be there, but don't expect my opinion. If The Vault was guarded under lock and key before, it's now under double lockdown.