Nothing Lasts Forever

Can you guys keep a secret?

...I'm afraid of falling in love.

I'm walking around this morning, doing whatever, going to my sightsinging test (which I aced), clarinet ensemble, etc. Everything seems to be going well - I'm hanging out with Scott (always a good time), helping James set up chairs, picked up Stacia to go to ensemble, going about my business.

Suddenly, at some point, I start feeling off.

I was struck today with overwhelming self awareness. Amid the frippery around me, I began to sense my own awkwardness, my own certain...I don't know what.

Not trying to be a Debbie Downer or anything, but when I really like someone, generally, this happens:

Stage 1: You're cool. We get along really well. It's fun. Yay.

Stage 2: Holy crap I think I like you. We have a lot in common, you make me really happy, things are good!

Stage 3: I'm scared I'm not good enough for you, you could do much better than me. I can't tell you how I feel or I'll panic. I'll just set you free. No big deal..

I mean, I always recover. This is just another way of illustrating the fact that I'm shy as hell.

I really like this guy right now...we'll call him The Legend.

Can't give out too many details. If he does find out, I want it to be in person. But I will tell you that he's a walking good time; whenever we hang out, we always have so much fun, and he cracks me up! We have SO much in common..we can talk about most anything and it isn't the least bit awkward. He's really tolerant, really open, and really sweet. Not to mention his eyes, whose inviting gaze grabs hold of me and doesn't let go. I could go on for a while about him, but I don't want to be that girl.

In any case, I'm terrified to tell him, not only because we're friends, but also because he's (how should I say this)...taken. By a girl I perceive to be among the most boring on the planet. I won't go any further down the path of jealousy, but you'd better believe there's some frustration goin' on in my crazy lil' heart right now.

Isaak says I should just tell him (TL) how I feel, that I never know what could happen. I hate the disappointment of rejection almost as much as I hate clowns, so naturally, I'm thinking hell-to-the-no. But college is all about new experiences, right? After some serious arguing between my hormones and my rational thoughts, I changed my decision...ahhh, what the fuck. Why not.

I'm thinking of dropping the load tonight. Not quite sure how I'll bring it up, I'll have to wait for the opportunity to arise..at which point I'll be both totally stoked AND shit-and-piss scared. Oh well! I just have to remember not to flip a tit, no matter what he says, and I'm golden.

HEALTH UPDATE:

I've gone to the WRC every day this week. Yesterday, in addition to my stint on the elliptical, Caryn and I did a 15-minute ab workout, which about killed me, due to my lack of abs. Woke up this morning and OHHHHHOHOHOH lordy could I feel it. It also appears I'm beginning to lose some girth. Awesomeeeeee.

I'll keep you posted...lets hope I don't crash and burn.

<3

Stacia Wins The Super Bowl

↑ = Lol.

I suddenly thought of the time I was walking to a basketball game with Abcde, Julie, and Stash; we were arguing about football teams, who would win the super bowl and such...this is roughly how the conversation went. I might have gotten people mixed up but whatever:

Julie: "The packers are stupid."

Mad: "Whatever. You're just afraid they're gonna win."

Abbey: "They're both stupid!!"

Mad: "Packers!"

Julie: "Steelers!"

Stash: "STACIA!!"

Bahahah. The girl never fails to brighten my day.

So the reason I'm ACTUALLY posting is because I'm about to embark on a long and treacherous journey. I will endure trials of both mental and physical strength, and it will take a long-ass time. Who knows how I will have changed in the end.

That's right. This bitch is going to get in shape.

This is a new thing for me, having not been in shape for SO long. Seriously, I can't remember the last time I could run without feeling out of breath. I've always had more than a little healthy jiggle, and I'm honestly tired of spending most of my evenings sitting on my arse watching crime dramas and BET. Something's got to change, yo. And it's got to change now.

I went to the WRC (UNI's version of the Y) tonight and used the elliptical for half an hour, burning 225 calories and going a total distance of 2 miles. I sweat more than a hooker in a church, it was disgusting. I probably smelled horrid...the smell of success. However small a success it was, it was still a success!

Gotta stay positive here...*insert Xena war cry*

Yeah. I'm setting a personal goal to do that every day, and bump it up gradually so I'm constantly being pushed. I need more of that in my life.

I've been drinking a crap ton of water, too. Apparently that's good. Also, I'm cutting out fried foods, and I'm not gonna snack so much. Watching my calories, etc. Baby steps...I'll be updating my progress weekly.

Hopefully this works and helps me :)

Dr. McCandless moved me up to 3.5 reeds...for all you non woodwind players out there, Vandoren reeds come in 5 strengths, ranging from 2 (the softest and least resistant) to 4 (the hardest and most resistant). I've played on 3's since I started clarinet my freshman year at WHS, and apparently I've gotten waaaaaay too comfortable with them. Because these new reeds are hell on a stick.

I'm getting a bit better on them, but right now, it's taking for freaking ever and I'm severely PO'ed. Moving up a strength in reeds is like getting your braces adjusted, or getting used to sleeping on a new piercing..you hate it for a good while, but you've got to remember why you're doing it and why it's worth it.

Pissssssss...I wish I could speed up the process though.

Highlights...

:]]]]]]]

~The NCAA Men's Basketball tournament in St. Louis is next week, and the pep band gets to go. Fo free. Tits!!!

~Tallcorn Jazz Festival was this weekend, and it went out with a bang. Haha...

~I've really gotten into jazz clarinet. I think I should pursue it...yes?

:[[[[[[[

~Learned a valuable lesson this weekend...stay the hell away from jungle juice.

Peace love and such.

Rise Above The Universe

Everyone, I have had a revelation.

After a very intense lesson with Dr. McCandless today, and after quite a bit of thought about my inner self and my future, I've realized some very important things. Most importantly, I've never been more sure of what my calling is. I know now what I was born to do...I've decided to dedicate my life to the clarinet.

I want to be the best I can be, and I want to do whatever it takes to be at my best. Up until now, I've relied entirely too much on natural ability and practicing until it's "good enough". Dr. M enlightened me today on how that won't work. During my lesson, I began to notice more than ever how right she was about my tone being held back by reeds that are too soft, about my fingers moving too far away from the horn, about how my interpretation of etudes sounded unplanned, like I was going off instinct. And I thought, holy crap.

I'm lucky to have a teacher as supportive and patient as she is...the moment I was struck with reality, she could tell. Instead of getting frustrated with me, for even a moment, she gave me a most encouraging talk. She assured me that the frustration I was feeling was a natural part of my growth as a musician, and that she had true confidence in me.

Needless to say, I'm not going to let her down. My path is clear now, and there's no turning back. I am a clarinetist, and I will strive to unleash my passion through my art.

Dr. M...thank you :)

On another note, you may have noticed I've been in a bit of a funk for a few days. That's for a couple reasons, one of which I can't really mention because it's someone else's secret that they shared with me. It caused me to become intensely concerned, and from the moment I found out the situation, I constantly worried about that person until the problem was solved today. I'm just glad that person is gonna be alright...it pains me to imagine what my life would be like if they suddenly had to walk out of it because of an emergency like that :)

Ahhhh I'm pathetic. Haha.

The other reason for my mood was because I was off my anxiety medication for a little while, which is never a good thing. Chemical imbalances and I aren't really good friends. I get all...emo. And it really sucks, not only because I can't control my emotions and it's embarrassing, but I tend to do stupid irrational things. Also, I feel bad for my family - they worry about me when they see depressing blog posts and FB statuses, they're an hour away, and I don't always answer my phone. Sorry, guys...

And if I caused anyone else alarm recently, I'm sorry to you too. I have re-stocked my supply of chill pills (AKA got my prescription filled), so things are peachy once again!

Also, this video helped...warning you though, don't watch it in a public place, and if you're in polite company, turn the volume down plz&thx.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzd8IuESLi8

Word.

Highlights...

:]]]]]]]

~SNOW IS MELTING. Don't get me wrong, I love snow and all...just now when it's brown and gross and stays around forever. Srsly.

~I quit TBΣ and pledged ΣAI. Nothing against Tau Beta, they're still cool! I just feel like I've bonded a whooooole lot better with the ΣAI girls (even before pledging), and this way, I'll be able to dedicate myself more to one service group rather than less to both.

~I'm not sick anymore. TITS!!

~2 words. Harlem Congo. Most fun I've had with jazz clarinet evarrrr

~ <=ooo|ooo=0 (that's a clarinet)

:[[[[[[[

~Soooooooo many people are sick.

~The Legend is with another woman. (I'll explain later. It's a good story, I promise.)

~I hate being flat ass broke, and I need a job badly.

It's all good in the hood :)

Sleepless Nights

Sleep, tonight,

Avoids me like a plague.

I hopelessly lie awake.

Not from bodily illness,

But from sickness of the soul.

I wait, I wonder, I worry,

I fear for you.

I watch helplessly

As you do the same.

I pray to invisible ears

For your good fortune..

For sometimes things happen

That cannot be wished away,

Nor washed away

Within a day.

If anyone is listening,

Hearing my words on the wind..

Please..

I only ask

That you help her.

Iced Tea And Broken Dreams

If there were ever a day dedicated to having mixed feelings, this would be it.

Tomorrow is Valentine's day, a day I dread. Every year, people make such a big deal out of it for whatever reason, and usually that reason is a person/persons. Nobody seems to realize that this holiday is the spawn of the corporate world, and often causes us shy people to hole up in our rooms the entire day, thinking of what could be but isn't.

Yes. As hard as this may be to believe, I am incredibly shy when it comes to having feelings for anyone. I will usually only admit my secret crushes if I really trust the person not to judge me, or if I'm inebriated. Otherwise, I'm terribly terribly afraid of being shot down or criticized, and above all, having my heart broken. I may have a confident exterior, and I usually am confident in many things...but when it comes to matters of the heart, truth be told, I'm incredibly nervous in every regard.

Wind Symphony and jazz band both had concerts this week, which were both totally killer. I mean, Jazz at The Hub is always awesome, but this time seemed particularly great because so many people were there and the energy was...well, it was spectacular.

THEN there was Wind Symphony.

It was great. That's all I have to say. Just great. If you didn't have goosebumps at the end of Make Our Garden Grow, you have no soul.

I'm getting another roommate, because Noehren Hall sucks and is making a huge deal out of it. FML.

I'm sorry, I'm just...things aren't good right now. I'm on my period, and I'm sick from A) CRAMPS and B) a cough/cold. Hate to complain this way, but right now it just seems like nothing is good and everything is going downhill. Even if things aren't that way, that's what I feel like right now. I don't want anyone to see me when I'm like this...I've somehow lost hope and faith in the world and I really want it back, but it's as if this hope and faith sits in a distant world from my own.

I know, I know...get over yourself, Mad. Stfu. Etc.

Right now, I don't care.

I'm sorry...

20x(^^^)=win.

Uneventful, uneventful, un-e-f'ing-ventful.

Not very much going on at all.

If you're reading this, don't. I'm supposed to be doing my Aural Training homework right now, and I'm clearly not. Therefore, by skimming through my unimportant brain poop, you're being an enabler, telling me it's ok to procrastinate and fart around like I'm doing.

Well I've got news for you. It's not.

Uhhhhhhhh...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZkaF4Z-oik

I'll ttyl. Later this week.

Kthxbai.

Super Inuit

So. Lots and lots of stuff.

First of all, the title of this post is actually a song by a band called Holy Fuck. I thought it appropriate, since I feel like a little eskimo hiding away in my igloo right now...lol.

I've been stuck in this room for 6 hours straight. It's wierd, because Caitlin moved out and now there's a whooooole lotta empty space that I have no idea what to do with. Perhaps I'll bring back my lil' couch...its cushions may have an uncomfortable bar between them, but when I lay on it the right way it does wonders for my back. Hoohohohohoho...I tell you. I slept on it one time, woke up the next day having not moved. Fockkkkkk.

I made this sweet door sign for myself with sharpies and crap...

Yeah, that's Chris Pine. On my damn door. Don't you wish you had one.

Cedar Fools is currently buried under an ass pile of snow. People are calling it the SNOWPOCALYPSE. I believe it. It freaks me out, having seen this movie...

Film: The Day After Tomorrow

Plot: It's the near future, and Earth is PISSED. People have been polluting the air with chemicals, greenhouse gases, CO2, and whatever, for years. There's this scientist and he has a kid who gets in trouble at school and then goes to some academic competition with some people. Suddenly, it starts raining all over the place. Then, a bunch of temperature sensors in the sea are freaking out, and weather people all over the world start to notice weird stuff happening...Because of all the rain, the global water level starts to rise. The city where the main character's son is (I think it's NYC, can't really remember) floods, and they all have to leave so they don't die. A russian ship floats through Times Square. Holy balls. The main character and his scientist friends figure out that this is all somehow caused by global warming, and report it to the government. They all realize too late that they've fucked up the planet, just in time for NASA to send satellite photos of some HUGE ice storms. These storms cause EVERYTHING to freeze, including all the water from the floods. Helicopters fall out of the sky. The northern hemisphere is covered in ice and snow. The president dies. Everyone is forced to go to Mexico.

Not even gonna finish...

Favorite Part: I don't even have one. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I seriously flipped a tit about this movie. It seems real. Like, it could actually happen. I mean, we all know how big of a concern global warming has become...and how wasteful people can be. This is why I recycle. Because I don't want the atmosphere to go to shit, and I sure as HELL don't wanna see no more floods.

This storm we're having right now? Yeah, reminds me a lot of the one in the movie for some reason. Hope classes are cancelled or something, so I'm not required to go outside.

LORD. I made the mistake of going to the book store in the blizzard today. It felt like a fucking quest. I had to stop in Lawther (conveniently located halfway between my room and the store) and rest, both on the way there and the way back. The eerie sounds of the wind were all I could hear as I walked. There were literally no people out but me, the crazy bitch who needed her jazz theory book so badly she'd risk freezing her ass.

I went there for 3 books that I needed, 2 for jazz theory and 1 for sightsinging. They had 2 of them, but one of the jazz ones was out of stock, so they asked me if i wanted to order it. I had half a mind to tell them "No ma'am, I don't want you to order that for me. If the weather keeps lookin' like this, DO NOT expect to see my ass in here to pick it up, because said ass will either be sitting in a warm building, or have been amputated due to frostbite."

Instead, I just ordered the book...FML.

I am listening to Gorilla Zoe. Why. Because midnight is the best time to be ghetto? Haaaaaa...

Aside from the fact that campus has turned into a vast snow-ridden hellhole covered in white winter waste, life has actually been really great lately!

The clarinet symposium on Saturday was a total blast...I have never felt like such a clarinet nerd as I did that entire day. Hayley Graham was there, my lil' pal from the HS across town from Wash. She played at Dr. M's masterclass, and it was fab! (BTW, she told me today that she's officially coming here and joining the studio next year. Win!!)

Andrew Seigel and Eric Mandat are both neato. Some things I liked/disliked about their recitals...

Liked:

~Dr. Seigel did an Eric Dolphy transcription on bass...LOVE

~The piece Dr. Seigel did on E♭ was ADORBS!

~Mandat's unaccompanied bass pieces were wicked.

Not so much:

~Didn't really care for all the multiphonics Mandat used...sure they're cool to a point, but after a while, I was honestly thinking wtf..

After all the events were over, a bunch of us went to this sweet restaurant downtown, Montage, including Dr. M and the guest artists. I sat with Abcde, Julie and Steph, and we were joined by Scott, James, Alisa, Veronica, and Ranee. I had the best chicken alfredo of my LIFE, and I actually tried bruschetta. Liked it. Then Steph and I shared this rum cheesecake...I about died. Best goddamn cheesecake I've ever had, hands down.

The whole night was fantastic.

I've had this feeling for a while..I'm sure I've mentioned it before, how the clarinet studio is beginning to feel like a second family to me. Well, after that day and night, I'm sure of it. I've found where I belong, what I'm supposed to be doing, and who I'm supposed to be doing it with.

Stacia was having a really tough time the other day...it was heartbreaking to see her so torn up about everything. I did the best I could to help her talk it out. It's the least I could have done, after all she's gotten me through already!

Funny, how friendship can progress so quickly...sometimes, it takes a while. Other times, you meet someone who you seem to instantly just..click with. I've had a lot of really close friends before, seen a lot of drama between them. I've seen them change over time, along with my relationships to them. I've also heard the term "best friend" thrown around a lot before...but I've never really felt safe about using it until now. No regrets :)

I leave you with my final musical thought for the night...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izQsgE0L450

Fin.