The Missing Piece

I don't know why, but right now, I just can't deal.

Everything in my life seems to be going right - I made Jazz One and Wind Symphony, got selected to play on a song with orchestra, am rooming with one of my best friends in the whole world, am in better shape than I've been in a while, have a decently steady job, will be getting a car soon (one that I won't crash and won't be sold)...

So what is this?

There seems to be a huge void in my world, and it's hard to explain...in fact, I'm not sure I can. Not accurately, anyway.

I hate to be that girl, who has a lot of things but still complains...sorry. Nobody's perfect, and I'm certainly nowhere near a paragon of contentment. Is it just that I'm not satisfied, or am I neglecting an integral part of a happy life? What is it that I don't understand?

Not even a week into the school year, and already I feel discouraged. I don't know what to do about anything. I'm afraid of not living up to expectations, of not being what I'm cracked up to be, of delivering disappointing results...ultimately, I cringe at the very notion of failure. It's messed up, I know...My perspective is completely out of whack. I can't even comprehend what would happen were I to falter in any aspect of my school work, or practicing, or any of my other responsibilities.

And at the same time, while I'm feeling all of this, I feel like there's something missing. Something really big. I have almost everything I could possibly have wanted...but there's something else. I don't feel fulfilled, and no matter how many friends I may be surrounded with, sometimes I still feel alone.

WHAT IS THIS. It's confusing to me. It's pissing me off. Above all, it's distracting, which is causing me to ignore more important things that I should be thinking about.

Again, I'm sorry if you don't want to hear all that...be angry with me if you want. I completely understand if you say I deserve it. I know you've all got problems of your own. I just had to write this all down, to get it out.

Okay. Good things, good things, good things...

~Studio bonding tonight was pretty awesome. The new people seem really cool :)

~Clarinet ensemble starts tomorrow!

~Tomorrow is laundry day!

~People seem to like the thing I wear in my ear...

~Dr. M is giving me really hard music this semester...she must believe in me or something.

~My love for chicken is as strong as ever.

~I think I'll start re-learning Czech. I've been wanting/meaning to for a while :)

Bed time. As they say in Praha...Na Šledanou, doubrou noc.

Swim On, Little Fishie

Not really feeling very wordy today.

So after being back in Cedar Falls for a few days, it's been interesting.

Rooming with Stash...it took me about half an hour to get all my crap settled in here, I didn't bring that much. We have a lot of floor space, and do not yet own a TV. Without a doubt, it will be fun on a stick. I threw several Cheez-its at her and missed each time. Too many saxophones, need some to be gone. We had people over last night for some festivities, ended up laughing a lot, subsequently failing. Mostly though, fun times :)

Really into Deadmau5 lately, might be going to see him in October, holygodexciting.

My auditions both went really well, felt like I totally killed it on the clarinet one, hoping to kick some jazz ass this year (knock on wood). Results don't go up until a few hours from now (for concert ensembles), or after the jam tonight for jazz. Needless to say, suspense is killing me.

Seriously, listen to this..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tU-VA3BYzmg

I think I just killed a mau5.

Feeling so lucky to be surrounded by the people in my life...I can be emotionally wack sometimes, and that can be hard to put up with. Thank you, fate, for giving me such wonderful friends.

I wrote this. It speaks to my current mood.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pslKoZW8gyE

Sitting in my room right now, just thinking. I need to do that every once in a while. I also need to wash the silverware I just used...

That's all I've got for now. Nap time. Love yallllllllll.

The Floor Is Lava

Before I say anything about my own life, I need to vent.

This post, as a whole, isn't for me. This post is for anyone else who, like me, cannot fathom a reason as to why such bad things have to happen in the world. This post is for those of us who although we may not be directly affected, feel for those who are. Also, this is a little bit for me, just to get some things out.

A few minutes ago, I went on a philosophical rant on Twitter. Which I very rarely do. However, being that there are so many awful things going on right now, I had to spill a little.

Honestly, when I see people rioting in any situation, a chain of thoughts runs through my head...there's the initial question of what happened, of course. As I dig deeper, I honestly wonder what could have caused people to turn to violence in the first place. Was it really that big a deal? Did you really need to go steal, destroy buildings, beat people senseless, drive bystanders from their homes over this?? I understand disagreement, and the will to fight for what you believe in...what I don't understand is why it has to turn physical and escalate. Does the notion of peaceful protest seem unattainable, too "wimpy"?? Is it really necessary to turn to destruction as a method of getting what you want?

I think of Egypt, Libya, Iraq, China, London, and of course, America. Places like North Korea, Chechnya, Sudan. Whatever happened to the idea of peaceful resolution? The most reasonable conclusion I can come to is that there are too many people in the world who either haven't heard of, or refuse to accept the concept of compromising. Grow up, you fools...you can't always get what you want. Nobody can. We all make sacrifices on behalf of peace at different points in our lives...at least that's how it would be, in a more peaceful world.

These pictures really got me thinking...(Don't look if you don't want to be depressed!!)

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2011/08/london_riots.html (from a tweet by Toni Hoffman)

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2011/07/the_norway_attacks.html?camp=obinsite

Other things I've been thinking about/fail to understand:

~Michelle Bachmann needs to catch up with the rest of the world. The idea that there are people who agree with her message of hate and ignorance...it's disturbing. This woman needs help, y'all. Someone needs to help her see how clearly unjustified her prejudice is. If (lord forbid) her candidacy becomes serious, I really hope her supporters will eventually realize what they're actually supporting - a giant leap backwards for civil rights, and what would most certainly be a reign of terror and intolerance.

~Why is our government so indecisive? I can't begin to understand why they had to be so stubborn and argue for so long about it. So many times, they were so close to a solution...gah. And it's not just this debt ceiling thing either, it's everything!! Nobody can agree on anything anymore! Wtf.

~How the hell old is Ron Paul anyway? Self explanatory.

Rant over.

Lets have some good things to balance out all the angst...

I've been sleeping better lately! About a week ago, I started taking an over-the-counter sleep aid, after several days of staying up until 6AM and not being able to sleep. Speaking of which, I'm getting reeeeeeal tired right about now...

Also, only a week until I move back to Cedar Falls!! Time for a year of taking life as it comes, working hard, and unleashing the power of the sun. Xena has dismounted her horse...I'm still a warrior princess, fierce as ever - but after a year of battle, I feel just the right shade of tame.

This summer has made me realize a lot of things. Most importantly, I feel like I know where I'm going, and that I can totally get there and be happy, and have an awesome time along the way! I don't feel overambitious, nor do I feel like I'm not going anywhere at all. I feel like I know how to be. Which is pretty great :)

I've been practicing the tits off my pieces for the fall; I've picked the one for my audition, and am ready to get in there and tear it up...lets DO THIS, Von Koch!!!

K, tired now...buh-bye.