So it's been another year. Wow.
I'm feeling pretty full of memories right now, so it's time for my heart and brain to collectively take a dump. Get ready, 'cause here it comes: my best and worst memories of 2010!! *yahhhhhhhhhh*
~Car accident, January 13th
~Show Choir band at WHS, winter and spring. So scandalous, so skanky...so much fun!
~The Major Landers process. Thrilling, but stressful as hell. And rewarding in the end! Plus, I got to meet Toni Hoffmann, and had no idea at the time that she'd be going to UNI with me :]]
~WHS Wind Symphony performing at IBA. That whole day was so intense, I swear I cried at least twice.
~Meeting Eric Whitacre with Kenzie and Rachel!!!
~Working at Perkins
~Quitting my job at Perkins
~Playing in the pit orchestra for The Producers at TCR
~Moving
~Getting into DePaul, even though I didn't end up going there
~My last performance with Revs :/
~My first lesson with Dr. McCandless, before I knew I was coming to UNI. And sitting in with clarinet ensemble that same day :)
~Getting best in center at state solo & ensemble contest for my alto solo, clarinet quartet, and sax quartet...I miss both those groups, and I hope everyone in them does just as well this year!
~Meeting up with all the cool kids in the band mafia at Jazz All State
~Graduation
~Going to everyone's grad parties, including my own!
~Playing in the CR Municipal Band during the week Miller conducted AND the week Shanley conducted
~Getting my MacBook :]]
~That month there when my mom thought she wanted to move to Indiana, which was scary.
~Teaching at JSA's summer arts camp in August...brought back a lot of memories, and I felt like I was giving back to the elementary school that gave me a solid foundation and pushed my love for music
~Saying goodbye to my friends as we went our separate ways to different colleges :/
~Meeting my awesome 1st roomie ever, Alex Adams. It's been great :)
~UNI Band Camp with the Alto Whales!!
~Dr. Washut's class, and Dr. Washut's...Washut-isms?
~Getting to know everyone in the clarinet studio :)
~QUARTET...Abbey, Stash, and Alec, we totally rock together. You guys are a huge blast!!!
~Making Jazz Panthers and Wind Symphony. I had a great time in both ensembles, and hope to continue doing so!
~Playing at The Hub with jazz band, and listening to the other jazz bands. I just get so caught up in the moment :P
~Bass Head
~Becoming an official member of Tau Beta Sigma
~(Sch)weekend festivities with my awesome new college friends :D
~ANYTHING with my awesome new college friends! I totally feel like UNI is where I belong right now, and it's great!
~Starting this blog, mostly for personal therapy, for use as an outlet for my extreme thoughts. Extreeeeemeeeeeeeeee.....
Oh yes, what times these were. I look back on the year both fondly and not-so-fondly, reminded of all the shit I went through and all the happiness I felt. As I contemplate these things, I'm realizing one key thing, that no matter how unstable my life may be at any given point, there are always things I can count on to never change. I'll always have my music, and hopefully I'll always have people who love me, even if it's different people from time to time and even if it's for different reasons. If I have faith in one thing, it's love.
Resolutions, resolutions...
~Imma practice more. No matter how much I practice already, it can always be more.
~I want to be less impulsive. This will hopefully bring me some more stability!
~I want to use my calendar/planner more actively, to avoid stupid little conflicts. Although getting rid of combo from my schedule should take care of a lot of things...
~I should definitely go to bed earlier. I started doing it for like the last 3 weeks of last semester, and it worked wonders! I think I'll make that a regular deal.
~I WILL eat healthier. No excuses this time. I'm sick of this crap..diet = go!!!!!!!
~I plan on using my filter more. Mr. Shanley once said to me, "Don't be that girl..." And I want to take his advice.
Here's to a good 2011, tits. Happy New Year :)
Friday, December 31, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Merry Blogmas
Hey.
So, as is widely known, tonight is Christmas Eve. And tomorrow is Christmas, the night Christian people believe Jesus was born. Right here, I could go into a lengthy rant about God and the true meaning of this awesome day, but as is the case with so many political and religious things, I'd rather not. So I won't :]]
One might wonder, "Gee, what do Atheists think about the holidays? What do they think about Christmas? What do they even do?" Well, here's the thing. Even though I'm Atheist, I celebrate Christmas, but for different reasons. For my family, it's more of a time to get together with our extended families and catch up, share stories, and just be together. We don't really go to church or pray or anything like that, but we do spend the evening watching Christmas movies and playing board games and stuff like that. I mean, I know the whole point of Christmas is the fact that it's Jesus' birthday and everything, but it can be used as a reason to have quality family bonding time that we might not otherwise have very much of, and I'm all for that!
Some of my family traditions...
~Hiding the Christmas pickle. Well, It's a glass ornament that looks like a pickle, but dad always hides it on Christmas morning and Lucy and I look for it. The one to find it gets to hang it on the tree!!
~"WTF" gift exchange. Throughout the year, we collect small items that we find in stores that make us go "WTF?!" when we look at them. These can be anything from a 3" statue of an oddly misshapen bear, to an exotic fruit. The limit for spending on any such WTF gift is $5. We wrap them in newspaper, and on Christmas Eve night, we have a white-elephant gift exchange that never fails to disappoint! Last year, I remember Lucy getting a vintage Transformers thermos...I was infinitely jealous.
~Watching Charlie Brown Christmas. Self explanatory, but watching it with my family is always heartwarming - mom's commentary is priceless :]]
This year in particular is special, because not only is it my first Christmas having been away at college, but the new Narnia movie is coming out...check it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxfb1L-hMxU
OHMAGAWD.
I seriously can't wait. I read the entire Chronicles of Narnia series lord knows how many years ago, and the 5th book, Voyage of the Dawn Treader, was always my favorite. Pardon my French, but it's FUCKING EPIC AS HELL!! I have never wanted to be inside a book so badly in my entire life, so now that they're making a movie out of it, it's as if my childhood dreams are coming true! Call me whatever you want, but if I can't go see this movie, I will cry.
Well maybe not CRY, but I'll be very upset. VERY upset. And until I see it, I'll probably be an annoying little tit and not stop talking about it. Or thinking about it. Do you even know how excited I am? No, you do not. Stfu.
I'm not usually one to brag about a gift I've received, but...I GOT A NEW CAMERA. And I love it! I've wanted one for quite a while because I've never really had my own, and I've always just taken pictures with my phone so I can't zoom in on stuff, and they never turn out very well. But I HAVE one now and I'm super excited :)
That's all I've got to say for now. Good night, my lovelies! Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa/Hanukkah/Eid to us all!! <3
So, as is widely known, tonight is Christmas Eve. And tomorrow is Christmas, the night Christian people believe Jesus was born. Right here, I could go into a lengthy rant about God and the true meaning of this awesome day, but as is the case with so many political and religious things, I'd rather not. So I won't :]]
One might wonder, "Gee, what do Atheists think about the holidays? What do they think about Christmas? What do they even do?" Well, here's the thing. Even though I'm Atheist, I celebrate Christmas, but for different reasons. For my family, it's more of a time to get together with our extended families and catch up, share stories, and just be together. We don't really go to church or pray or anything like that, but we do spend the evening watching Christmas movies and playing board games and stuff like that. I mean, I know the whole point of Christmas is the fact that it's Jesus' birthday and everything, but it can be used as a reason to have quality family bonding time that we might not otherwise have very much of, and I'm all for that!
Some of my family traditions...
~Hiding the Christmas pickle. Well, It's a glass ornament that looks like a pickle, but dad always hides it on Christmas morning and Lucy and I look for it. The one to find it gets to hang it on the tree!!
~"WTF" gift exchange. Throughout the year, we collect small items that we find in stores that make us go "WTF?!" when we look at them. These can be anything from a 3" statue of an oddly misshapen bear, to an exotic fruit. The limit for spending on any such WTF gift is $5. We wrap them in newspaper, and on Christmas Eve night, we have a white-elephant gift exchange that never fails to disappoint! Last year, I remember Lucy getting a vintage Transformers thermos...I was infinitely jealous.
~Watching Charlie Brown Christmas. Self explanatory, but watching it with my family is always heartwarming - mom's commentary is priceless :]]
This year in particular is special, because not only is it my first Christmas having been away at college, but the new Narnia movie is coming out...check it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxfb1L-hMxU
OHMAGAWD.
I seriously can't wait. I read the entire Chronicles of Narnia series lord knows how many years ago, and the 5th book, Voyage of the Dawn Treader, was always my favorite. Pardon my French, but it's FUCKING EPIC AS HELL!! I have never wanted to be inside a book so badly in my entire life, so now that they're making a movie out of it, it's as if my childhood dreams are coming true! Call me whatever you want, but if I can't go see this movie, I will cry.
Well maybe not CRY, but I'll be very upset. VERY upset. And until I see it, I'll probably be an annoying little tit and not stop talking about it. Or thinking about it. Do you even know how excited I am? No, you do not. Stfu.
I'm not usually one to brag about a gift I've received, but...I GOT A NEW CAMERA. And I love it! I've wanted one for quite a while because I've never really had my own, and I've always just taken pictures with my phone so I can't zoom in on stuff, and they never turn out very well. But I HAVE one now and I'm super excited :)
That's all I've got to say for now. Good night, my lovelies! Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa/Hanukkah/Eid to us all!! <3
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Welcome Back to Crapids
So I'm sitting here with Leah, who's visiting my house for a few days. Woooo!
We're watching a terrible movie. Here's my review...
Name: Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus
Plot: This slut oceanographer witnesses a prehistoric octopus and shark become unfrozen when she's trying to watch whales underwater. The huge things go around the world and fuck shit up on an unimaginable scale, almost too much to believe. Many cliche movie lines and inexplicable scenes later, they come up with the brilliant idea to have the shark and octopus fight eachother to the death. The terrible acting, when combined with the obviously low budget the director had to work with, makes for a wonderfully awful film experience everyone can enjoy! Everyone but my sister, who walked out. Of our living room.
Favorite Part: It's a tie between the scene where the shark jumps out of the water to attack an airplane, and the scene where the oceanography chick randomly decides to have sex in a closet with the man she met earlier that day. I mean...what the hell??! In both cases?! Since when do sharks jump out of the water far enough to chomp an airplane? Since when does talking about seeing dead fish in a net lead to closet sex on a navy battleship?? What does anything in this movie have to do with anything?! It truly is so terrible that you can't stop watching! I mean, WOW...
I am blown away.
Last Thursday, I was watching CSI with Caitlin during a 9-hour time span where we did next to nothing. Now, the last thing I want to see during my CSI time is an unwelcome celebrity cameo, and the LAST person I want to see on my favorite TV show is Bieber. Guess who the hell decided to make a surprise guest appearance playing a troubled teenager who likes to kill cops. Oh NO he di'int...
Upset and outraged, I waited it out (because I just love CSI too much), and we watched The Mentalist. It was pretty good. But then Stacia and I decided to declare biological warfare on Bieber and it got even better :]]
Speaking of finals, I ACED all of mine! All the music ones, anyway. I have no clue how I did on math, but I really don't care, as long as I passed it. I know my dad would disagree with me and say I should try and do better than that, but the truth is, I tried my best. And honestly, I don't think I'll ever really use the stuff I attempted to learn in that class. I could care less. But the important thing is, I did well in everything that matters! And Dr. McCandless posted on fb the day after woodwind juries were over that everyone in the clarinet studio got A's on their jury, so she had cookies in her office that day! If I haven't said it before, I will now...I love how the clarinet studio is like a family <3
The other day, I went to BK and ordered chicken and a shake. The nest thing I know, I'm feeling light headed and like I'm being magnetically drawn to the bathroom. BAM. 24-hour flu. Puked, 3 times. It was gross. Then later, puked twice again at mom's brass band concert. Then LATER, puked 3 times again at home. I thought wtf, and slept most of the next day, only getting up to play snake and skype/fb chat people.
I don't remember how Stash and I got on the subject of Kim Kardashian, but have I ever mentioned how she pisses me off?? I mean, I know she must do something to contribute to the world besides just being a TV skank, but I can NOT for the life of me figure out what it is. Every time I see her on E news because of something new and whoretastic she's done, or whenever I lose the remote and get stuck on Khloe and Kourtney Take Florida (or whatever the hell it's called), I marvel at her intense addiction to her Blackberry. I am in awe of the amount of priority her self-beautification takes over anything else. I don't understand! I mean, what does she even do, sit around and be rich all the time? Lord...I can't stand it. She just bugs me.
OHHHHHH. Nolan just recommended this movie to me about an hour ago, and we're watching it...
Name: ThanksKilling
Plot: A jock, a nasty kid, a nerd, and 2 skanks are on Thanksgiving break from college. They're going to visit family and get wasted, and they hear about a possessed turkey who likes to kill people. The turkey goes on a killing spree and murders a bunch of the kids' relatives, also rapes some chick, blows the head off a random guy who offers him a ride, and swears up a storm.
Favorite Part: "GOBBLE GOBBLE, MOTHER FUCKER!"
I literally did not know what to think during this entire movie. And they tried to kill the thing at the end, and it didn't work!! It becomes radioactive because they threw it in a hazardous waste dumpster after this guy shot it in the head, and it comes back to kill again. Who comes up with this? Wierd wierd wierd wierd wierd.
Highlights:
:]]]]]]]
~Christmas in 4 days!!
~My family's going to Chi-town a few days after Christmas
~Cheeseburgers
~I just noticed...all those things started with "Ch". Haaaaaaaaaa...
Bohhhh
~Early episodes of Family Guy
~Coldddddddd
Love Ya :D
We're watching a terrible movie. Here's my review...
Name: Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus
Plot: This slut oceanographer witnesses a prehistoric octopus and shark become unfrozen when she's trying to watch whales underwater. The huge things go around the world and fuck shit up on an unimaginable scale, almost too much to believe. Many cliche movie lines and inexplicable scenes later, they come up with the brilliant idea to have the shark and octopus fight eachother to the death. The terrible acting, when combined with the obviously low budget the director had to work with, makes for a wonderfully awful film experience everyone can enjoy! Everyone but my sister, who walked out. Of our living room.
Favorite Part: It's a tie between the scene where the shark jumps out of the water to attack an airplane, and the scene where the oceanography chick randomly decides to have sex in a closet with the man she met earlier that day. I mean...what the hell??! In both cases?! Since when do sharks jump out of the water far enough to chomp an airplane? Since when does talking about seeing dead fish in a net lead to closet sex on a navy battleship?? What does anything in this movie have to do with anything?! It truly is so terrible that you can't stop watching! I mean, WOW...
I am blown away.
Last Thursday, I was watching CSI with Caitlin during a 9-hour time span where we did next to nothing. Now, the last thing I want to see during my CSI time is an unwelcome celebrity cameo, and the LAST person I want to see on my favorite TV show is Bieber. Guess who the hell decided to make a surprise guest appearance playing a troubled teenager who likes to kill cops. Oh NO he di'int...
Upset and outraged, I waited it out (because I just love CSI too much), and we watched The Mentalist. It was pretty good. But then Stacia and I decided to declare biological warfare on Bieber and it got even better :]]
Speaking of finals, I ACED all of mine! All the music ones, anyway. I have no clue how I did on math, but I really don't care, as long as I passed it. I know my dad would disagree with me and say I should try and do better than that, but the truth is, I tried my best. And honestly, I don't think I'll ever really use the stuff I attempted to learn in that class. I could care less. But the important thing is, I did well in everything that matters! And Dr. McCandless posted on fb the day after woodwind juries were over that everyone in the clarinet studio got A's on their jury, so she had cookies in her office that day! If I haven't said it before, I will now...I love how the clarinet studio is like a family <3
The other day, I went to BK and ordered chicken and a shake. The nest thing I know, I'm feeling light headed and like I'm being magnetically drawn to the bathroom. BAM. 24-hour flu. Puked, 3 times. It was gross. Then later, puked twice again at mom's brass band concert. Then LATER, puked 3 times again at home. I thought wtf, and slept most of the next day, only getting up to play snake and skype/fb chat people.
I don't remember how Stash and I got on the subject of Kim Kardashian, but have I ever mentioned how she pisses me off?? I mean, I know she must do something to contribute to the world besides just being a TV skank, but I can NOT for the life of me figure out what it is. Every time I see her on E news because of something new and whoretastic she's done, or whenever I lose the remote and get stuck on Khloe and Kourtney Take Florida (or whatever the hell it's called), I marvel at her intense addiction to her Blackberry. I am in awe of the amount of priority her self-beautification takes over anything else. I don't understand! I mean, what does she even do, sit around and be rich all the time? Lord...I can't stand it. She just bugs me.
OHHHHHH. Nolan just recommended this movie to me about an hour ago, and we're watching it...
Name: ThanksKilling
Plot: A jock, a nasty kid, a nerd, and 2 skanks are on Thanksgiving break from college. They're going to visit family and get wasted, and they hear about a possessed turkey who likes to kill people. The turkey goes on a killing spree and murders a bunch of the kids' relatives, also rapes some chick, blows the head off a random guy who offers him a ride, and swears up a storm.
Favorite Part: "GOBBLE GOBBLE, MOTHER FUCKER!"
I literally did not know what to think during this entire movie. And they tried to kill the thing at the end, and it didn't work!! It becomes radioactive because they threw it in a hazardous waste dumpster after this guy shot it in the head, and it comes back to kill again. Who comes up with this? Wierd wierd wierd wierd wierd.
Highlights:
:]]]]]]]
~Christmas in 4 days!!
~My family's going to Chi-town a few days after Christmas
~Cheeseburgers
~I just noticed...all those things started with "Ch". Haaaaaaaaaa...
Bohhhh
~Early episodes of Family Guy
~Coldddddddd
Love Ya :D
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Snow>everything :)
It's snowing.
I'm SO HAPPY.
I love things. Here's a list of things I love...
~Snow
~Music
~Good friends
~Good PEOPLE
~Chocolate
~Glow sticks
~Tea
~LOVE
~Pure happiness
~The clarinet studio
~When you find that you have something in common with someone and you both freak out because it's cool
~Individuality
~Kindness
~Harps
~Warm nostalgia
~Acing my AT final
~When someone has REALLY gorgeous eyes and you look into them and temporarily get lost
~Cute stuff
~PUPPIES
~Big crisp pieces of lettuce
~Stepping on ice on the ground and hearing that satisfying crunch
~Daydreaming
~HUGS
~When my skin is clear and pretty
~Freshly squeezed orange juice
~Eric Whitacre on a clear autumn day
~Waking up to my dad making waffles in the kitchen at 1PM, when everyone in my house is just crawling out of bed
~Surprises
~Chicken
~When people play with my hair
~Feeling useful
~Being in big cities
~Dr. McCandless
~When hard work pays off
~Laughing
~Napping
~JAZZ BAND
~Getting caught up in the moment, whether it's while I'm playing my horn or just a really nice moment with someone
~Traveling
~The moment you realize you love someone unconditionally
~Forgiving people
~Being forgiven
~Classical guitar
~Having a clear conscience
~Love between old people
~KENZIE (happy? :P )
~Sharing things I love with the world
(I will probably be adding to this list periodically)
<3 <3 <3
I'm SO HAPPY.
I love things. Here's a list of things I love...
~Snow
~Music
~Good friends
~Good PEOPLE
~Chocolate
~Glow sticks
~Tea
~LOVE
~Pure happiness
~The clarinet studio
~When you find that you have something in common with someone and you both freak out because it's cool
~Individuality
~Kindness
~Harps
~Warm nostalgia
~Acing my AT final
~When someone has REALLY gorgeous eyes and you look into them and temporarily get lost
~Cute stuff
~PUPPIES
~Big crisp pieces of lettuce
~Stepping on ice on the ground and hearing that satisfying crunch
~Daydreaming
~HUGS
~When my skin is clear and pretty
~Freshly squeezed orange juice
~Eric Whitacre on a clear autumn day
~Waking up to my dad making waffles in the kitchen at 1PM, when everyone in my house is just crawling out of bed
~Surprises
~Chicken
~When people play with my hair
~Feeling useful
~Being in big cities
~Dr. McCandless
~When hard work pays off
~Laughing
~Napping
~JAZZ BAND
~Getting caught up in the moment, whether it's while I'm playing my horn or just a really nice moment with someone
~Traveling
~The moment you realize you love someone unconditionally
~Forgiving people
~Being forgiven
~Classical guitar
~Having a clear conscience
~Love between old people
~KENZIE (happy? :P )
~Sharing things I love with the world
(I will probably be adding to this list periodically)
<3 <3 <3
Monday, December 13, 2010
SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bahahahahahah. Now that I've got your attention...
Things have definitely improved since my last post. Thanks to some wonderful people, I'm back on track and feeling much better...I love that no matter how close or far away my friends are, they always seem to be here for me and know the perfect things to cheer me up! AND, my grandma made a surprise visit to my room and brought me homemade oatmeal-chocolate-chip cookies!!!
Nomnomnomnomnom...
So my clarinet jury was today. I think I did fairly well. I spun the scale wheel ("wheel of death"), and got A. Funny, I warmed up on my A♭scale, but whatever. I walked over to the piano to tune, played a quick A and F, and Dr. Guy just starts playing without warning. I'm like, OK! We jumped right into it. It was alright. At the end of it, Dr. McCandless told me I did "very well", and Dr. Floyd was all like "You were very well prepared! Good!"
Good indeed. It was very good to hear that from them :]]
And then Dr. McCandless goes "You stayed vertical the whole time, I'm impressed!" (referring to my apparently exquisite balance in my tall shoes). "We should have a lesson in walking in heels sometime...*whispers* put all your weight on the backs of your feet!" (or was it the balls of my feet?) I can't remember...but in any case, my jury must have gone well, because the woodwind faculty members were in good humor afterwards. Barry even brought up how he met my dad at the Jazz Panthers concert back in November, when dad asked if he could plug his camera into the audio recording software...bad idea, but they made up and it was alright.
Aaaaaaaanyway. So that was that.
Only 5 more finals to go!! Tomorrow is Sightsinging...basically, I'll go in there and sing a prepared melody on solfege syllables, and get scored out of 50 points. 35 and above passes. I haven't really heard much about Mrs. Vallentine, the lady I signed up to take my test from...all I've heard is that Dr. Lee's failing a bunch of people, Dr. Washut's grading is generally difficult, and Schmitz more so than Washut.
I should explain, Dr. Lee is a different Dr. Lee than the asshole who teaches my Math In Decision Making class. This Dr. Lee is actually a very nice lady who plays the organ and has an endearing Korean accent :)
You know what's awesome? Dr. Washut sent out a holiday email to our Theory/AT/SS class!! It had this song attached to it, called Christmas In Heaven...in the email, he was all like "I'm not a religious man, but I do connect with a universal spirit or energy of some sort. This recording captures a very soulful quality, and I think it's appropriate to share with you all at this time of year. Happy Holidays, and good luck with your finals!"
I'm not religious either, but it was a good song. Not gonna lie.
On a different note...you know that feeling you get when you think someone's mad at you but you can't tell? It's obvious that I'm not a perfect person (no one is, really...), so I know I don't always do things the best way or say things in the best way that they could be said. Also, If THIS isn't obvious, I'm kind of clueless sometimes. So occasionally, something offensive might slip out. I'm not talking about swear words, I'm talking about maybe a little remark that someone in my present company might take offense to. But anyway.
This is a fragile time...finals, changing weather, people getting tired of eachother...so things are bound to get a little tense. I can feel it happening around campus. It may be subtle, but it's there.
To anyone who may be reading this and feeling frustrated, with me or anyone else, or anyTHING else...I know that things may seem aggravating and stupid right now, but listen. Whether you feel like you "can't play your instrument", or like you're dumb, or someone's bugging the living shit out of you, or like even your best friend thinks you're an annoying bitch, trust me. It might seem that way at this point, but it isn't nearly as bad as you think, and definitely not worth fretting over. Maybe you just need to cry, to get it out of your system. Maybe you just need someone to take you and run down the hallway like a maniac to relieve stress. Maybe you need to get drunk and watch an action movie. Maybe you need to take time to laugh at the little things you do with friends. Maybe you need to draw a picture for your favorite teacher. Maybe you need to stop thinking so negatively when you practice. Maybe you just need a hug.
...Maybe this holiday break can't come soon enough!!
I mean, I love UNI and all my friends to death, but lets be honest. We all need some time off :)
Saturday, December 11, 2010
To Whom It May (or may not) Concern
I am at a loss for things to say.
I have been so up and down lately that I can't even function...Today I woke up and didn't feel like doing anything. Last night was so unbearably boring that I ended up sitting there and doing nothing for close to 5 hours. I literally felt no emotion. This morning, it was snowing, and when on a normal day I would be one excited little tit, I was mildly enthused for a while, then continued to be somewhat miserable.
I got back to my room about half an hour ago, and as soon as Alex left the room I started crying uncontrollably. What is this...
My motivation is gone - I tried to clean my room and gave up halfway through, I need to do laundry so badly that it's gotten to the point where I'm walking around in sweats all the time, I've completely lost my appetite...I can't even play my damn clarinet anymore. All I want to do is sleep.
I'm sorry, all I'm doing is complaining...but I'm tired of being able to think of nothing but my fear that I'll never be good enough, or that no matter how many friends I may be surrounded with, right now, I feel alone.
AKSJHGALHGLAFDKJGHLKDFJGLKAFJGHALKJHGLAFDJGLGKFKJGSHD.
I have been so up and down lately that I can't even function...Today I woke up and didn't feel like doing anything. Last night was so unbearably boring that I ended up sitting there and doing nothing for close to 5 hours. I literally felt no emotion. This morning, it was snowing, and when on a normal day I would be one excited little tit, I was mildly enthused for a while, then continued to be somewhat miserable.
I got back to my room about half an hour ago, and as soon as Alex left the room I started crying uncontrollably. What is this...
My motivation is gone - I tried to clean my room and gave up halfway through, I need to do laundry so badly that it's gotten to the point where I'm walking around in sweats all the time, I've completely lost my appetite...I can't even play my damn clarinet anymore. All I want to do is sleep.
I'm sorry, all I'm doing is complaining...but I'm tired of being able to think of nothing but my fear that I'll never be good enough, or that no matter how many friends I may be surrounded with, right now, I feel alone.
AKSJHGALHGLAFDKJGHLKDFJGLKAFJGHALKJHGLAFDJGLGKFKJGSHD.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Excuse me?
Sophie wants you to watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPOmMKw_P00&feature=player_embedded
I ripped my fingernail off tonight...not the whole thing, just half of it, but it still hurt pretty bad. While I was practicing flute. Then Stacia stopped by, and that was the end of that (the practicing part. My fingernail was still gone. But yeah)
So this past week, everyone in the school of music has been frantically running around panicking about juries. If you don't know what a jury is, it's like the final for your lessons on your instrument at the end of the semester. Everyone who takes applied lessons does them, and everyone has to scramble to find an accompanist. Luckily, I found Dr. Guy right away, so there were no problems; some people weren't so lucky. Abbey keeps having issues with scheduling rehearsals with her accompanist, and I feel like that would suck to have to deal with that...but at least it's not like this one trumpet kid we all know, who still doesn't have one and we believe is making no effort to find one. It's like, WTF? You're a music major, shouldn't you care more than that? What a fool.
But anyway, I feel really well prepared. Dr. McCandless seems to think so too, which makes me extra confident in what I'm doing :]]]]]]]
At this point in the semester, I seriously can't wait for it to be over. I want finals to be done.
My lovely roommate, Alex, is moving out :/
She wants to live in Hagemann, the building next to Noehren, where we live. Which is totally fine, Hagemann is a great building; It's cleaner, quieter, and very rarely smells like ass (as opposed to it frequently smelling like ass, and BO, here in our hallway). When she first told me she was leaving, a million thoughts ran through my head..."Holy tits, what did I do?" "Who am I gonna room with now?"
(Actually those were the only 2 thoughts that went through my head, but w/e)
Suddenly, along came a solution - Caitlin McKenney! She's moving in with me at semester, and I'm super stoked. This place is gonna be a party, and we're gonna have the best door sign ever. Wicka what!
This morning, I walked into the bathroom and was greeted by a toilet paper mess all over the floor. The trash was nowhere in sight. I thought what the hell, how drunk were the girls on my floor this time?? As if it isn't bad enough that they drop trash in the hallway and forget about it (even while sober), create large stains on the carpet that look suspiciously like pee, and interrupt my 3AM showers with loud chatter while sitting on the toilet. THE TOILET...aghhh!! So I went to use my favorite toilet stall, the one on the far right, and WHAT did my eyes behold me? Aquafina bottle. Sticking right up out the bowl. Empty bag of Lays Sour Cream and Onion chips on the floor. Apparently people in college get hungry while taking a dump. That, or something far nastier had occurred...I prefer not to know. Bottom line, I was grossed out. I now had to choose between using the stall with the period garbage sticking out of the trash, the one with the hole in the door, or the one that flushes for like 10 minutes straight. Shoot, girl, I'd take the annoyance of a lengthy flush over that other crap any day.
OH and BTW, imagine this whole scene taking place to the tune of Bing Crosby's "White Christmas"...cuz that's what was playing on the radio this whole time. LOL.
I LOVE JAZZ BAND!! (here's why.)
~The people in my jazz band are amazing. We're such a wide range of personalities, and most of us get along well, so it's awesome. And the gigs at The Hub?! Damn!! Those are such a riot! I always feel so in-the-moment...It's the best.
~Dr. Washut. Nothing I can say in a blog post can do justice to such a man. He is THE man, and he makes jazz band a blast. Whether it's a quirky thing he says, a strange analogy of some kind, or any other instance of awesome, we all love Dr. Washut and his shenanigans.
~We play such sweet stuff!! It's so different than what they play in Jazz One, too...it's more classic. Which I like. Too much contemporary all the time can wear a girl down, yo.
~BASS CLARINET. Idk if I've ever said anything about it, but I love bass clarinet. As if I didn't love it enough already before...I heard Chris Potter wail on it at the IA City Jazz Fest 3 years ago, and was hooked. There's just something about it...it calls to me!! So when Dr. Washut handed me the part for a bass clarinet feature...lord. That's all I'll say about that.
Tom update:
We hung out again. He may or may not have held my hand, and given off some signals...ahhhhhh. He's SO hard to read though, and I'm still nervous because, just as before, there's NO WAY for me to be sure of how he feels about me. Or anyone. He's got an air of mystery, that Tom. On the downside, I found out he loves weed. Greeeaattttt *~*
Highlights...
:]]]]]]]
~I'm going to NYC with Toni over spring break! Heyohhhhhhh!!!
~Katie Hawks dyed her hair green...(why? I'm anxious to find out)
~I got a little less terrible at the flute today
~Watching Stacia try to play the flute...cute shit :P
~Got into all the classes I wanted/needed!!
~Vacuumed the rug in our room
BOHHHH
~The new Facebook profile layout - WTF
~Failed to take out the recycling from our room
~Can't handle mexican food...especially corn salsa from Pablo's
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPOmMKw_P00&feature=player_embedded
I ripped my fingernail off tonight...not the whole thing, just half of it, but it still hurt pretty bad. While I was practicing flute. Then Stacia stopped by, and that was the end of that (the practicing part. My fingernail was still gone. But yeah)
So this past week, everyone in the school of music has been frantically running around panicking about juries. If you don't know what a jury is, it's like the final for your lessons on your instrument at the end of the semester. Everyone who takes applied lessons does them, and everyone has to scramble to find an accompanist. Luckily, I found Dr. Guy right away, so there were no problems; some people weren't so lucky. Abbey keeps having issues with scheduling rehearsals with her accompanist, and I feel like that would suck to have to deal with that...but at least it's not like this one trumpet kid we all know, who still doesn't have one and we believe is making no effort to find one. It's like, WTF? You're a music major, shouldn't you care more than that? What a fool.
But anyway, I feel really well prepared. Dr. McCandless seems to think so too, which makes me extra confident in what I'm doing :]]]]]]]
At this point in the semester, I seriously can't wait for it to be over. I want finals to be done.
My lovely roommate, Alex, is moving out :/
She wants to live in Hagemann, the building next to Noehren, where we live. Which is totally fine, Hagemann is a great building; It's cleaner, quieter, and very rarely smells like ass (as opposed to it frequently smelling like ass, and BO, here in our hallway). When she first told me she was leaving, a million thoughts ran through my head..."Holy tits, what did I do?" "Who am I gonna room with now?"
(Actually those were the only 2 thoughts that went through my head, but w/e)
Suddenly, along came a solution - Caitlin McKenney! She's moving in with me at semester, and I'm super stoked. This place is gonna be a party, and we're gonna have the best door sign ever. Wicka what!
This morning, I walked into the bathroom and was greeted by a toilet paper mess all over the floor. The trash was nowhere in sight. I thought what the hell, how drunk were the girls on my floor this time?? As if it isn't bad enough that they drop trash in the hallway and forget about it (even while sober), create large stains on the carpet that look suspiciously like pee, and interrupt my 3AM showers with loud chatter while sitting on the toilet. THE TOILET...aghhh!! So I went to use my favorite toilet stall, the one on the far right, and WHAT did my eyes behold me? Aquafina bottle. Sticking right up out the bowl. Empty bag of Lays Sour Cream and Onion chips on the floor. Apparently people in college get hungry while taking a dump. That, or something far nastier had occurred...I prefer not to know. Bottom line, I was grossed out. I now had to choose between using the stall with the period garbage sticking out of the trash, the one with the hole in the door, or the one that flushes for like 10 minutes straight. Shoot, girl, I'd take the annoyance of a lengthy flush over that other crap any day.
OH and BTW, imagine this whole scene taking place to the tune of Bing Crosby's "White Christmas"...cuz that's what was playing on the radio this whole time. LOL.
I LOVE JAZZ BAND!! (here's why.)
~The people in my jazz band are amazing. We're such a wide range of personalities, and most of us get along well, so it's awesome. And the gigs at The Hub?! Damn!! Those are such a riot! I always feel so in-the-moment...It's the best.
~Dr. Washut. Nothing I can say in a blog post can do justice to such a man. He is THE man, and he makes jazz band a blast. Whether it's a quirky thing he says, a strange analogy of some kind, or any other instance of awesome, we all love Dr. Washut and his shenanigans.
~We play such sweet stuff!! It's so different than what they play in Jazz One, too...it's more classic. Which I like. Too much contemporary all the time can wear a girl down, yo.
~BASS CLARINET. Idk if I've ever said anything about it, but I love bass clarinet. As if I didn't love it enough already before...I heard Chris Potter wail on it at the IA City Jazz Fest 3 years ago, and was hooked. There's just something about it...it calls to me!! So when Dr. Washut handed me the part for a bass clarinet feature...lord. That's all I'll say about that.
Tom update:
We hung out again. He may or may not have held my hand, and given off some signals...ahhhhhh. He's SO hard to read though, and I'm still nervous because, just as before, there's NO WAY for me to be sure of how he feels about me. Or anyone. He's got an air of mystery, that Tom. On the downside, I found out he loves weed. Greeeaattttt *~*
Highlights...
:]]]]]]]
~I'm going to NYC with Toni over spring break! Heyohhhhhhh!!!
~Katie Hawks dyed her hair green...(why? I'm anxious to find out)
~I got a little less terrible at the flute today
~Watching Stacia try to play the flute...cute shit :P
~Got into all the classes I wanted/needed!!
~Vacuumed the rug in our room
BOHHHH
~The new Facebook profile layout - WTF
~Failed to take out the recycling from our room
~Can't handle mexican food...especially corn salsa from Pablo's
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Now listen! This is important!
Actually it's not. Ha.
I'm gonna warn you right now. This post is my giant ball of stress being released. I need to get some stuff out, BAD. The world isn't all sunshine and farts, and as it seems, the weeks leading up to finals are a time when a great number of college students come to that harsh realization. So if you don't want to hear me vent and sob uncontrollably through words, please leave now.
You know what I hate? Being a freshman. This whole signing up for classes thing is entirely too stressful! As if the fact that freshmen have to wait the longest to sign up isn't enough, I have to wait until the LAST day we're assigned to sign up. I worry about my classes being full. I'm also having financial issues again...from now on, no spending. On anything. Looks like the schweekends are either gonna get really complicated, or go on hold for a while :/
I'm in a serious funk, and it's both pissing me off and making me super moody. On top of that, I'm expecting an unpleasant visitor any day now. Great.
Today, I flipped out on one of my friends from high school for the way some of our other friends (and she herself sometmes) treated me back then. I won't go into detail about how the conversation got started, but ohhhhh I was pissed...I held back from using profanity and was as polite to her as I could muster, and I think she honestly felt bad. Surprisingly, we've become a lot better friends since we graduated, even though we're miles and miles apart. I think it's because the high school environment does things to people...
Sometimes, I wish there was a button I could push to erase the past...or parts of it, anyway. I think back to my years at Wash specifically, during which I let a lot of things get to me. You've heard tell of a classic scenario, where there's a girl who all the other girls make "friends" with, then end up bullying her for being an individual, or because she stands out? I was that girl. I didn't choose to be the way I am for the sake of going against the grain, I chose to be what I wanted to be because it was what I was used to. I had been taught to appreciate differences, and everyone had always let me be myself without consequence. That's how the world is supposed to work, but not how it worked with these people.
At first I took it as a joke when they would tell me I looked like trash, or that a teacher hated me for being late to class, or made fun of me for whatever else. I brushed it off, thinking they were just playing around...but after a while, it gets old. I would ask them to stop, trying to talk it out, and they would take pity on me for a little while; but it always started up again. At some point, it had gone so far that I began to believe the things they were saying about me.
"I always sit second to you because you're the favorite...I know I'm more prepared than you are. You just get everything you want, and you don't even have to work for it."
"Why are you wearing that? You do realize that's ugly..."
"This is why you have trouble meeting guys...seriously, you need to stop being trashy."
"Oh my god...Madeline's happy. It's probably something stupid."
"Was anyone talking to you? No. Shut up."
"You're so clumsy, I wonder how anyone can trust you around anything expensive."
And the worst one:
"We only say these things to you because we love you."
I hate to sound like a whiny bitch, but when you hear things like that on a daily basis, it kind of convinces you that they're true. (Except, sadly, the last one.)
I''ve changed, for the better, in a lot of ways since high school...I know I've only been in college for 3 1/2 months, but a lot can happen in that amount of time. I feel like I've grown, not only physically from eating more, but emotionally and mentally, from my new found independence. It's made me look back on some things and wish I had acted differently, and look back on others and not want to change them at all. I feel bad for doing stupid little senioritis things like being late to jazz band rehearsal and not caring about AP US Government or Econ, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I can only hope that in the future, when I go back and visit, my old band directors, teachers, and friends will see an improvement in my character and professionalism. I feel bad for being slightly out of control during my senior year...in a lot of ways, I've calmed down and become more reasonable, which comes from learning certain things the hard way.
Let me tell you...I have worked DAMN hard to be the musician I am today. I know I'm nowhere near the best, but I am proud of what I've accomplished through hard work. For anyone to think I don't work hard to earn the things that I have..that hurts.
I feel misunderstood. There's a difference between joking/enthusiasm, and legitimately having an ego. I know I like to joke around; I'll be sassy or funny sometimes, but in NO WAY does that reflect how I feel about myself. Truth be told, I'm very critical of myself in some ways - I rarely feel good about a solo I've played, I worry what people think of me, and I hate having unnecessary attention drawn to me. If I receive some sort of special honor, I hate talking to people about it (unless they ask me) because it just doesn't feel right to speak highly of myself. I like to think I'm humble, but correct me of I'm wrong.
Idk...
I'm a mess right now.
TOM UPDATE:
We hung out last week. It was fun, but I have that ever-present feeling that it's just not gonna happen...I hope that's just my mood talking, but I really don't know. I asked him if he wanted to hang out again, like just us, and he made this cute little thinking face and said "Yeah, lets do it!" But I haven't seen him much since we've been back in school...He's SO hard to read! I just want him to one of these days, come up to me and just flat out give me answers to my burning questions. It would go something like this...
Madeline: Could you ever see us being more than friends??
Tom: NO STFU
or...
Tom: Yeah, maybe. We should hang out more!
If only I weren't so goddamn clueless about this kind of thing. I want to be sure, but there's no way of being sure when he's so short-worded and awkward. Balls. This is just not going well.
Ohhhh lord I need to try and cheer up.
I love Dr. McCandless, I really do. She's such an admirable person. Every time I interact with her, her professionalism never falters; and yet, we can still joke around in my lessons. I feel like I've learned so much from her, not only about the clarinet, but about how professional musicians should act. I come away from each lesson having learned something new, whether it's about the clarinet itself, the piece I'm playing, a composer or historical figure, or what it means to be a performer. She just seems to know a whole freaking lot about a lot of things. And she's really good at understanding her students. I can think of several occasions when I've had a bad day or something, and she's had encouraging words for me and even let me reschedule for later in the week (if I'd been sick). Her faith in her students, her positive attitude, and her professionalism are inspiring. I'm proud to have her as a teacher!
Ummmmmmmmmmm...
Things I'm looking forward to:
~Juries. I feel really well prepared!
~The end of the semester. That'll be nice.
~I'm like 99% sure I'll be playing in the pit for Sweeney Todd at TCR (Theater Cedar Rapids) this February. The music director just needs to make the final decisions about how many players to use for WW, Brass, and Strings...but I'm at the top of the list for WW's so I'm feeling pretty good about it!
~Going to the Dave Holland concert in January with Leah and Toni - CHRIS POTTER OMGOMGOMG.
~More snow!
~2 concerts this week, Clarinet Ensemble tomorrow night and jazz bands at the Hub Thursday night. Yay.
~No group piano tomorrow
...Fin
I'm gonna warn you right now. This post is my giant ball of stress being released. I need to get some stuff out, BAD. The world isn't all sunshine and farts, and as it seems, the weeks leading up to finals are a time when a great number of college students come to that harsh realization. So if you don't want to hear me vent and sob uncontrollably through words, please leave now.
You know what I hate? Being a freshman. This whole signing up for classes thing is entirely too stressful! As if the fact that freshmen have to wait the longest to sign up isn't enough, I have to wait until the LAST day we're assigned to sign up. I worry about my classes being full. I'm also having financial issues again...from now on, no spending. On anything. Looks like the schweekends are either gonna get really complicated, or go on hold for a while :/
I'm in a serious funk, and it's both pissing me off and making me super moody. On top of that, I'm expecting an unpleasant visitor any day now. Great.
Today, I flipped out on one of my friends from high school for the way some of our other friends (and she herself sometmes) treated me back then. I won't go into detail about how the conversation got started, but ohhhhh I was pissed...I held back from using profanity and was as polite to her as I could muster, and I think she honestly felt bad. Surprisingly, we've become a lot better friends since we graduated, even though we're miles and miles apart. I think it's because the high school environment does things to people...
Sometimes, I wish there was a button I could push to erase the past...or parts of it, anyway. I think back to my years at Wash specifically, during which I let a lot of things get to me. You've heard tell of a classic scenario, where there's a girl who all the other girls make "friends" with, then end up bullying her for being an individual, or because she stands out? I was that girl. I didn't choose to be the way I am for the sake of going against the grain, I chose to be what I wanted to be because it was what I was used to. I had been taught to appreciate differences, and everyone had always let me be myself without consequence. That's how the world is supposed to work, but not how it worked with these people.
At first I took it as a joke when they would tell me I looked like trash, or that a teacher hated me for being late to class, or made fun of me for whatever else. I brushed it off, thinking they were just playing around...but after a while, it gets old. I would ask them to stop, trying to talk it out, and they would take pity on me for a little while; but it always started up again. At some point, it had gone so far that I began to believe the things they were saying about me.
"I always sit second to you because you're the favorite...I know I'm more prepared than you are. You just get everything you want, and you don't even have to work for it."
"Why are you wearing that? You do realize that's ugly..."
"This is why you have trouble meeting guys...seriously, you need to stop being trashy."
"Oh my god...Madeline's happy. It's probably something stupid."
"Was anyone talking to you? No. Shut up."
"You're so clumsy, I wonder how anyone can trust you around anything expensive."
And the worst one:
"We only say these things to you because we love you."
I hate to sound like a whiny bitch, but when you hear things like that on a daily basis, it kind of convinces you that they're true. (Except, sadly, the last one.)
I''ve changed, for the better, in a lot of ways since high school...I know I've only been in college for 3 1/2 months, but a lot can happen in that amount of time. I feel like I've grown, not only physically from eating more, but emotionally and mentally, from my new found independence. It's made me look back on some things and wish I had acted differently, and look back on others and not want to change them at all. I feel bad for doing stupid little senioritis things like being late to jazz band rehearsal and not caring about AP US Government or Econ, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I can only hope that in the future, when I go back and visit, my old band directors, teachers, and friends will see an improvement in my character and professionalism. I feel bad for being slightly out of control during my senior year...in a lot of ways, I've calmed down and become more reasonable, which comes from learning certain things the hard way.
Let me tell you...I have worked DAMN hard to be the musician I am today. I know I'm nowhere near the best, but I am proud of what I've accomplished through hard work. For anyone to think I don't work hard to earn the things that I have..that hurts.
I feel misunderstood. There's a difference between joking/enthusiasm, and legitimately having an ego. I know I like to joke around; I'll be sassy or funny sometimes, but in NO WAY does that reflect how I feel about myself. Truth be told, I'm very critical of myself in some ways - I rarely feel good about a solo I've played, I worry what people think of me, and I hate having unnecessary attention drawn to me. If I receive some sort of special honor, I hate talking to people about it (unless they ask me) because it just doesn't feel right to speak highly of myself. I like to think I'm humble, but correct me of I'm wrong.
Idk...
I'm a mess right now.
TOM UPDATE:
We hung out last week. It was fun, but I have that ever-present feeling that it's just not gonna happen...I hope that's just my mood talking, but I really don't know. I asked him if he wanted to hang out again, like just us, and he made this cute little thinking face and said "Yeah, lets do it!" But I haven't seen him much since we've been back in school...He's SO hard to read! I just want him to one of these days, come up to me and just flat out give me answers to my burning questions. It would go something like this...
Madeline: Could you ever see us being more than friends??
Tom: NO STFU
or...
Tom: Yeah, maybe. We should hang out more!
If only I weren't so goddamn clueless about this kind of thing. I want to be sure, but there's no way of being sure when he's so short-worded and awkward. Balls. This is just not going well.
Ohhhh lord I need to try and cheer up.
I love Dr. McCandless, I really do. She's such an admirable person. Every time I interact with her, her professionalism never falters; and yet, we can still joke around in my lessons. I feel like I've learned so much from her, not only about the clarinet, but about how professional musicians should act. I come away from each lesson having learned something new, whether it's about the clarinet itself, the piece I'm playing, a composer or historical figure, or what it means to be a performer. She just seems to know a whole freaking lot about a lot of things. And she's really good at understanding her students. I can think of several occasions when I've had a bad day or something, and she's had encouraging words for me and even let me reschedule for later in the week (if I'd been sick). Her faith in her students, her positive attitude, and her professionalism are inspiring. I'm proud to have her as a teacher!
Ummmmmmmmmmm...
Things I'm looking forward to:
~Juries. I feel really well prepared!
~The end of the semester. That'll be nice.
~I'm like 99% sure I'll be playing in the pit for Sweeney Todd at TCR (Theater Cedar Rapids) this February. The music director just needs to make the final decisions about how many players to use for WW, Brass, and Strings...but I'm at the top of the list for WW's so I'm feeling pretty good about it!
~Going to the Dave Holland concert in January with Leah and Toni - CHRIS POTTER OMGOMGOMG.
~More snow!
~2 concerts this week, Clarinet Ensemble tomorrow night and jazz bands at the Hub Thursday night. Yay.
~No group piano tomorrow
...Fin
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)