Year By Year, Nothing

2012!!!!!! Omgzzzzzz...

So I know this post is long overdue...but what better time than the present to make it, right?

Here's what went down since we last spoke.

Finals happened, and my lowest grade was a B+ in music history I. 3.8 GPA, yall! Dean's list! Heyohhhhh.

I switched rooms, and am no longer living in 112 for various reasons. Castle Delin (room 323) is a lovely little place with a window overlooking the Rider and Shull parking lots. Wanna throw pebbles at my window? Look for the 2nd one above the Rider dumpster, that's me. Come on up, it'll be a grand ol' time, because...

My freakin' grandma gifted me a TV for Christmas! I now have everything I need to be a hermit, I suppose...netflix, an un-lofted bed, and a new 32" picture box to watch Glee with on Tuesday nights. Not that I want to stay in my room all the time, in fact I don't. But When all else fails, I'll have plenty of things to help me be lazy!

The neighbors seem alright, no loud bitches so far. Haven't met my new RA yet though, and I'll miss having Kiley :/

On a different note, tragedy struck on the drive to CR. Loooooord, that was one hell of a trip.

First, before I left, I redecorated Meredith's bowl with meme faces. It was truly a work of art, go check it out on my fb profile.

Now, understand this - Meredith had been alive since September, and I'd had her for a little over 3 months by this point in time. I admit I didn't take the best care of her, but I was all excited to take her home over the break and hopefully see how much longer she could survive! I put her in some tupperware with room-temperature water, put her by the air vent in my van so she wouldn't get too cold, and hoped for the best.

I haven't yet mentioned the monstrous amount of crap I had in tow; Since I no longer needed a lofted bed, I took mine home. All the pieces took up most of the titbus, leaving only 2 seats worth of space for my clothes, suitcase, clarinet, and other crap. At one point, I tried opening the side door, only to find it blocked by a large wooden panel, causing it to not budge. Leaving it be, I started the treacherous journey.

Frequent titbus travellers will know that due to its age and large size, my vehicle has terrible gas mileage. Now before I left, I put half a tank in there, thinking I would be good to go. However, I had no idea how the weight of my cargo could affect things. About halfway between CF and CR, I noticed I was already down to a quarter tank, and thought WTF. Then, when I thought things couldn't get any more nerve-wracking, my "door-open" light came on, and I heard an unsettling air leak coming from the back. The side door had come unlodged from the wooden panel that was supporting it, and although it hadn't come open more than half an inch, let me tell you...from that point until I got to a gas station was terrifying.

I pulled into a Casey's and fixed it, and by then, my gas light had come on - I was close to empty. After frantically checking my bank account from my phone, I discovered I only had enough in there to buy one gallon of gas. Being 20 miles outside of CR, I thought all hope was lost. It was now or never, do or die - I bought what little fuel I could afford, and braced myself for the home stretch.

Good God. My guts had never been so clenched. I watched in horror as the needle went below "E", when I had just gone through downtown. By some miracle, I ended up at home without my car dying. Never again.

The next morning, I woke up to find my seemingly immortal 3-month-old goldfish dead in her bowl. No doubt in my mind the temperature change was what killed her...oh well :[[

Anyway, so I've been at home for a while now. Practicing, sleeping past noon, and watching a LOT of SVU. Kinda ready to go back to CF and start being productive again. There are lots of reasons to want to go back, but some reasons I don't look forward to it as much..

One reson to celebrate - I signed the lease on a house for next year! Really looking forward to living off-campus, and my roomies are bomb :)

Also, we initiated 5 new SAI sisters before the break, including Stash, Caryn, and Julie! Allie Collins and Susan Pei also joined - super proud to be in SAI, especially with the new ideas we've been coming up with to branch out from our usual routine!

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to me to be a sister in this fraternity. I know I haven't really talked about it much here, but I'm extremely proud to be part of this group. We all care so much about music, and because of that, we can all identify with and support eachother. It brings together all the branches of the school of music - band, orchestra, vocalists, everyone. My sisters have all been really supportive of me when I was down about my clarinet playing, even when I felt like dropping my major once. I would do the same for any of them. Although I can't discuss it outside the fraternity, I've read through the ritual book a few times, just because the messages really rang true with me...I really want to see us do some great things in our community, and I can't wait to see where we go :)

I'm really looking forward to lessons this semester, too. I feel like I've found my niche with jazz clarinet, and the cool part of that is that the further I go with jazz on the clarinet, the easier everything else clarinet-related seems. I think it's because jazz improv pushes me to further my technical abilities, which is pretty cool. I'm starting jazz lessons again with Mr. Chris, and I'm going for my 100 levels with Dr. M this semester...fingers crossed!! Also, preparing an audition for WCFSO. Kind of scares the pee out of me that I'm already doing this, but hey, gotta start sometime!

There's a dark side to all of this happiness, however. Clearly, last semester wasn't my best. In fact, I hope to say it was my worst. I have a feeling I turned into someone I didn't want to be for a while, and that some things won't be the same again for a while, if ever.

Alright, I think it's time I got to my resolutions.

I'll start with the most important.

I don't want to be someone people have to be careful around. I don't want to be that girl you can't hang around with because you don't want trouble. I know I did some things a while ago that I'm not proud of, but the fact that I'm still judged for them tells me a lot of things, mainly, that I still have some amends to make. I'm sorry for the things I've done, and hey, if you still want to shut me out, go ahead. Can't say I'm not hurt though. I resolve to be easier to be with, whether I'm with you or not.

I also resolve to practice more, spend less, and be more professional.

This year showed me a lot of cool things about life, but I can't say I'll miss 2011. Tonight, I ring in the new year with Carly, Eileen and Rosslyn - lets go party like it's not 2011 anymore!!

Word to your mothers!

One Brown Winter's Eve...

This is not a happy post. This post is crazy as hell. Please excuse my raving, which I'm sure doesn't contain the best use of proper English.

This semester needs to be over.

Seriously, I mean I feel like I've just failed. At some things, at others, no. But generally, things have been not the best.

Sorry this graph sucks.

I need to just try again, because this time around just sucked. Yes, I improved at the clarinet and am now ready for the challenges being a performance major will bring, whereas I wasn't handling it well before. Yes, I figured out that I needed to get my act together and quit messing around. But all this shit that's happened this semester has accumulated to the point where I can't concentrate on anything. I may not be stressed from my classes, but right now, at this very moment, I'm emotionally stressed. I'm so frustrated right now, SO pissed...LORD, I just need the strength to not flip a tit this week.

FINALS WEEK...it is upon us. I can't say I'm worried about all of my tests, when I'm really only worried about music history. I'm prepared for my jury, and I've got really good reeds. No, it's not that I'm worried about. I hate how stressed everyone is, even though I know there's no way around it. I feel terrible, because I'm so much less busy than the other people in my world. Shoulda-coulda-woulda taken more classes, eh?

Words escape me right now. At this point, I'm kind of just typing every little thought that pops into my head. I've been in my sweats all day. I practiced clarinet for about half an hour and got bored. I started 3 different clarinet quartet arrangements last night and didn't finish any of them, though I got pretty far. I can't even. I have to pee, my mocassins are falling apart, where am I going to buy a carpet for next semester, why won't the zit on my left cheek go away?! Good God.

I need to go outside and scream profanities. I need to lay down on the couch with a puppy, take a nap, and absorb the love. I need to be away from here for a while, to refresh my perspective.

Angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst.

Next semester's ass will be kicked repeatedly.

The Vault

Ok, I feel like something needs to be said.

This post isn't directed at anyone in particular. This post is addressed to anyone who's pissed at someone and at a loss for what to say. So don't go thinking I'm directing this specifically at you...but if you've got a problem, listen up.

One thing that irks me more than anything is if someone's got a problem with someone else, and they don't just tell the person to their face. I'm sick of all this shit going on around here.

Without knowing any specifics, I can just sense it. It's like someone brought up in a conversation with me a few days ago - there seems to be a lot of drama within the UNI school of music. For some of us, it's making it less enjoyable to be here. We're all stressed out enough already, to varying degrees. Adding stupid drama to this already not-ideal situation just makes things worse.

I know, I'm probably one of the least stressed people here right now. I'm taking 12 credit hours, neither of my large ensembles are meeting this week, my financial situation is finally taken care of, and I've only really got 2 finals to study for. I'm not speaking on my own behalf. I'm talking about anyone who's enrolled in 18+ credit hours, for whom things aren't exactly going the best, who probably doesn't need you or anyone else judging them for any stupid mistakes they may have made. Calm down. Knock it off. Please?

Why do we need to judge people? Can't we just sit down and talk it out like rational human beings?

I don't care exactly what your problem is. I'm not interested in knowing everyone's little issues between eachother. That isn't any of my business. I'm not into starting trouble, and the sooner you all get that straight, the sooner we can all move on. All I would ask is that if you've got an issue with someone, please...don't drag someone else into it. Isn't it tiring, having to keep track of who knows what and who's involved with what?

I feel like a hypocrite. There was a time when I thought I needed to know everything that went on around me, that knowing all these things would make me more aware and would help me navigate the intense social maze of which I was a part. Look where it's gotten me - I've been judged for a fool.

Furthermore, there's something to be said for not telling someone at all when they're annoying you. I'm not saying go up to whoever's bugging you and tell them every little time they do something; at least just let them know politely when it's getting to be a problem. If you don't tell them, how's anything gonna get better? If you aren't able to talk it out with the person and reach a mutual understanding, where will that get you? Nowhere. There's nothing quite like just talking it out with someone - you may be surprised at how much more at ease you feel.

Along those same lines, if someone comes to you wanting to talk about a problem, there's no reason to get pissed, defensive, or irrational. Again, that gets you nowhere and doesn't help anything.

Stick that in your bowl and eat it...I say this all out of concern, not out of anger.

Also, I'm done. I really don't want to hear about it anymore. I'm done being involved in any drama...if you want someone to talk to as an unbiased listener, I'll be there, but don't expect my opinion. If The Vault was guarded under lock and key before, it's now under double lockdown.

Just Like Jesse James

Good eeeeeevening, my darlings.

As you can see (or maybe you can't), I've titled this post in honor an American artist I'm truly thankful for on this day, the legend herself, Cher.

Today is Thanksgiving, and this year, as Google says, I'm feeling lucky.

I'm pretty damn lucky, looking at my life. Right now, as it stands, there are a lot of things I have that I've worked hard for, but there are also a lot that have practically been handed to me. Like, say...my rights? My passion? My family? The fact that I have not only a house, but a home?

You bet your ass I'm thankful for those things.

One thing I'm particularly thankful for, this time around, is my will to keep going. As fortunate as I've been, things have also befallen me that have at times made me feel like quitting. Whether I'm struggling in my lessons, or in a friendship, or in any kind of relationship at all, there always seems to be a little extra boost somewhere in the vast abyss of my emotions, something that tells me "What the hell are you doing?? You can't just bail, suck it up!!" This little hypothetical voice sometimes comes from within, or from someone in my life...and before you say anything, please, no references to schizophrenia. Quit it. I'm serious when I say how thankful I am for my resilience. I'm bouncing back from a huge-ass sophomore slump right now, and it's the tits.

Pardon my momentary relapse in profane blog language, it had to be. It just had to be.

I've just got to get this out there...this year hasn't exactly been a picnic. Sure, I'm not taking that many classes, and some people might claim that gives me no right to be stressed. Before you go thinking your thoughts, there are OTHER reasons I may have been dumpy to be around. My relationships with people have become more strained, because of various factors I don't believe are blog-appro. To whom it may concern, regarding these issues: slowly but surely, I'm comin' back. I figured out what needed to be done, and I don't know if you've noticed but I'm through messing around. I'm gonna get better, dammit. To quote a famous proverb, shit's gotten real.

I've been feeling a whole lot of confidence lately. Whether or not it stems from my elimination of certain bad behaviors, I can't say. But I can tell you, it's a great feeling.

Aight. Now that that's done...

I'll tell you about my Chicag - o - rama!!

So my family and I were there from Saturday to Tuesday. For the first time in a reeeeally long time, we didn't take anyone else with us - no exchange students, no family friends, just us. And it was awesome.

Normally, we like to do the museum thing while we're there. We try to go to a different one every time, although we're members at the Field Museum so we go there the most. This time we hit the Planetarium, which was pretty cool...conclusions I drew: Space is neato, and it would be really really hard and frightening to go to the moon.

Things that really wowed me at the Field this time around: Chocolate exhibit. Who knew people had such fervor for the history of a damn bean and its products?? Shoot. Also, the Mammals of Asia exhibit...saw some things that brought out the WTF in me. Let me tell you, you'll never catch me walkin around in the jungles of India. Not a sane or coherent version of me, anyway.

Also cool:

~The Noble Horse Theater. What in the sam hell is it? Well, it's people doing plays on horseback, like it's nbd. We saw them do The Nutcracker - it wasn't your average boring-ass Nutcracker. Nah, we're talkin' people flipping themselves all around, standing up on horseback, jumping through stuff, running around...I didn't know which was a more talented bunch, them, or the horses. TALENT. Whooooo-weeeee.

~Comedysportz. Live improv comedy, in the style of "Whose Line", only a bit tamer. Not as raunchy or off-the-chain as it could have been, but still neat!

~The Michigan Ave. Lights Parade. Or so I think it's called. It's the one where they light up all the lights on the trees along Michigan Ave. Anyway, jeeze...I come from Cedar Rapids Iowa, where we have a very different view of parades. I mean little groups of people walking and not even waving, politicians, no crowd barriers, people crossing the street between floats...then I get here, to this huge-ass ordeal, and it's like JIOHHHH - REAL PARADE! This thing had to be like 2 miles long. What?!? Call me a fool, I had no idea. Mind blown.

~Pizano's. If you haven't eaten there, or any Chicago-style pizza, you can't die happy yet. Of course, after tasting a few, I still say Giordano's is my fave.

Stories...

~The Mexican Grandma. Along the way, we decided to stop in this giant thrift store, just for funsies. We walked inside, having no idea what to expect. Almost immediately, a large group of Hispanic children runs in, followed not-so-closely by their slow-walking, fast-talking mothers and abuelas. A voice came on the intercom: "Attention, all children must be accompanied at all times. If your child is found unaccompanied, you will be asked to leave without purchasing your items. Attencion, los niños - ". As I stood there casually browsing the large selection of eclectic winter sweaters, a little old lady shuffled up to me, pointing at a price tag. She looked at me, uttered some Spanish, and - having no idea what to do - I began to read it to her. "Uhh...$7.19?" No response. "Large?" Blank stare. So I told her "Lo siento..." and she walked away. Had she mistaken me for someone else? Was there something else on the price tag I wasn't seeing? Clearly, I need to learn more Spanish, for the benefit of abuelas everywhere.

~The Awkward Family. So we're shopping at Watertower Place, and I had just left Forever 21. I sat down on a bench to wait for Lucy, who had just gone to the bathroom. A ritzy-looking old lady walks by with her iPhone, fur coat, and granddaughter, who couldn't have been older than 3. "Smile, I'll take your picture and show it to you!" She snapped a pic, and the little girl harmlessly sat down on the other end of my bench. Her grandma followed, only sitting about a foot away from me, close enough to be considered inside my personal space. Before I knew it, two loud little boys ran up and pounced on the bench next to her, one of them landing square on my left leg. The boys were followed by a particularly large couple who were clearly tourists, the woman in her pink pants and the large man in his green Izods, pushing a double stroller with more children in it. They almost closed me in, parking it directly on my right. None of them acknowledged that I was there. Instead, they went about their wild rumpus as I sat there looking alarmed, excused myself, and went to sit on the floor outside Wet Seal. Not a single one of them said anything to me. "Excuse me. Sorry my smelly son sat on your lap. Mind if we sit here?" Nah. None of that....WHAT. THE. HELL.

Oh, the things people do. Hohohhohhhhhh. My heavens.

Cool things other than that:

~I played a recording gig! A friend from HS, who's a senior at Coe College, wrote a piece. I had alto, and got to play with such cats as Stella Hart, Emma Azelborn, Shanley, Eric Thompson, and Al Naylor. Fun times? Totes magotes. (Bass player, I'm sorry, I don't know your name...aieee)

~Dyed my hair dark reddish-brown. It's kinda neato. It's also getting pretty long!

~I have a pretty great boyfriend, who likes me for me, when I'm just being me. He's a sweet one, he is! I'm thankful for you today and any other day, Joel :)

~Clarinet studio recital is Tuesday night, which means the debut of the Urban Legends Quartet!!! Heyohhhh!!!

~Performing with UNI Vocal Jazz on the Glee Club Christmas concert this weekend!!

~MASHED POTATOES AND CREAMED CORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now go, yall. Eat some turkey, or don't if you're vegetarian. Be merry, and for God's sake try to have a lovely time.

As Tracy would say, peace and blessins!

Don't Forget the Turnaround!

*UPDATE*

SO, after several things being brought to my attention, I've decided to revise my post to include MORE things that have happened to me, which I had mistakenly left out before...

Kenzie and Carly came to visit!

I neglected to mention the fact that even though Kenzie lives in Omaha now, and Carly lives in Indianola, I got to see both of them last week during their fall breaks. Even though I may not have said anything before, I was VERY excited to see both of them and super stoked to have them here!! I know I'll probably be called a jerk several times now...don't hate, celebrate. Looooove youuuuuuu :]]

The Legend is forever.

Scott...just because I don't explicitly mention you doesn't mean I'm not thinking every second about your glory. I'm surprised at you, sir...you should know by now you have a special brotherly place in my heart :)

*ORIGINAL POST*

For a little while now, I've felt like I'm in an alright place, but not a great one. And I have no one to blame but myself, really.

Things I've realized lately...(or things that have become clearer than ever lately)

People change.

Clearly. But it can be hard to accept. Things happen - we try something new and make it a part of our lives, we meet someone new, etc. It isn't always easy to get used to something when we've just gotten used to another thing. Frankly, it sucks sometimes; but the thing I've had to remind myself of lately is that no matter how dire things seem in a friendship, you've got to keep at it. Swim on, little fishie...that current won't beat down on you forever.

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Being the sensitive butt that I am, I fully understand that I feel emotions quite extravagantly. As of late, however, I've started to think, "Is it really as big a deal as I'm making it?" My ability to brush things off is improving, although there are still demons I have to face. Sacrifices will have to be made, but I've got to do it. If I'm to get anywhere in the world, especially in the career field I've picked, I've got to suck it up.

That's all I've got for those.

And now, the good part!

Seeing as it's been weeks since I've blogged, here are all the happenings you've missed.

So I entered the UNI Instrumental Concerto Competition. Preliminary rounds for woodwinds are this Friday. I'm playing Weber II, mvt. I, and I know it well by now. That being said, I'm starting to flip a tit about it being so soon. I literally have no idea what my chances are. Hohhhhohohohoh...nerves.

I've been developing a closer relationship with God, and let me tell you, it's pretty sweet! There are some awesome people in the music major prayer group that I go to, who've helped me get better at praying and learning from the Bible, stuff like that...I've really got to thank Caryn, Faith, Steph, James, Hannah Murphy, and Hsueh-Ling Huang for being right there with me.

Remember how I was having trouble getting a certain someone off my mind? Well, I'm here to tell you...I've moved on.

It's like this: I'd rather let go of it and be open to new possibilities than hang on and be all weepy about it. Clearly, there's a reason it didn't work. All there is to it. Although, it goes without saying that I'll always care about her...it just isn't meant to be.

And along those lines, by some random chance...I seem to have happened upon a man :)

We met at work...his name's Joel. Out of nowhere, we started talking one day during the brunch shift. We ended up talking about typical things, music, movies, stuff we like, etc...at one point, he mentioned the new Tron movie, which I hadn't seen, and we suddenly had plans to watch it together. By the end of the shift he had my number, we hung out that weekend, and the rest was history :)

Well, more like we've hing out quite a bit since then, and I kind of really really like him and he likes me and yeah :)

Oh lawd...now I've gone and started using too many faces. Whoops :)

As Tori Ovel would say, that is the LAWD'S MESS. (Luh you gurl!)

People who've made my life a little brighter lately:

~Tori Ovel - My honeychild. The girl walks around bringin' happy wherever she goes. Whenever I see her, I did not expect it to be so soon :P

~Joel Steger - He walked into my life one day, and I hope he's here to stay for a while :)

~Toni Hoffmann and Faith Hall - Just look at their facebook walls. Instant cheer!

~The freshman clarinets - We took them to Heart of Darkness (a haunted complex) last Friday, then had some quality bonding time at VI. Hayhay, La-a, Molliesha, N-Lyfe, DeShawn, welcome to the family :]]

~Julie Seibert - I am SO glad we're hanging out more, woman. You are your own brand of craycray :D

~Kendra Secoy - Always boss, always herself. The world needs more Kendras, no question!!

~Isaak Sund - I feel like there isn't anything I can't tell you. As if it's not clear already...there's nothing we can't tackle together :)

Before I close... To Abbey and Stacia...as wierd and downward-sloping as things may seem sometimes, I'm trying my best to understand and be at peace. I love you both so much, and I want you to know I'll never give up. Ever.

Urban Legends

For some reason, listening to 90's Britney always cheers me up...huh.

So! As always, a lot has happened since last post. Sorry.

*Life Updates*

So the year started out with a bang. Not gonna lie, I partied quite a bit the first few weeks...eh.

Classes started, and they were mostly alright - AT and Sightsinging, I can tell, are going to be a waste of time this year. Testing out of them...yay! Also, I dropped my World Geography class, because I can't take a non-stop Tuesday/Thursday.

I'm working a lot, or at least it feels like a lot. My dining center job is alright, despite the constant nasty of the dishroom. People are alright, despite the occasional butt who tries to act like a supervisor and tell people what to do...but you'll always have those I guess. The one thing that frustrates me most? All the money I earn from now on, literally all of it, is either going towards Italy, car payments, or my U-Bill. No more room for fun...growing up sucks.

On a better note, the freshmen in the clarinet studio all seem like really awesome people! There are 6, and they're all unique...and 4 of them have started a quartet not unlike our own. It's precious :)

I can only hope they won't be scared away!!

Next on the 8:00 news: my world has become a fine frenzy, a big pile of confusing, the very epitome of a hot mess.

Basically, as you already know, I'm generally very open about my life and what goes on in it. Here's the thing, yall...

I've started to realize that isn't always a good thing. I mean, of course I believe in honesty and all that, but I also feel like there's a point when someone can be too honest. Know what I mean?

Well, it's more like when someone reveals too much about themself. Yeah, the whole "TMI" concept never really bothered me as much as it is right now...

I feel like I've revealed so much about myself that I've become predictable, like a mediocre TV series. I've dug myself into an uncomfortable hole - it's time to climb out.

Also...

Just like there's a fine line between honesty and indecent exposure, I am suddenly more aware than I've ever been of the difference between a friend and a therapist.

This year already feels so much different from last year - new living situation, new major, new classes, and new people thrown in the mix. Not to mention, I've got the dilemma of my life...yk that feeling you get when you just can't seem to get over someone? Yeah. I've got it bad. And it's really complicated. Gohhhh.

I seem to have difficulty adjusting to change; I always adjust, but it takes a while. And hohohohohhhhhh is it taking a while this time.

So I'm sorry if I've been a total ass lately. I'm not trying to excuse myself of anything, oh no...I know I can be a stubborn bitch, and I know I do shit that pisses people off. I know I'm spacey, and profane, and sometimes lazy or crude. I know I've cried wolf before, claiming to be ready to make nice and change my ways...so I don't expect anyone to believe me this time. Which is unfortunate, because I finally believe myself.

I'll take more classes next semester if it kills me. I'll go to bed at 11:30, get up early to practice, do anything it takes. Like I said, growing up sucks...but it has to happen sometime.

The Missing Piece

I don't know why, but right now, I just can't deal.

Everything in my life seems to be going right - I made Jazz One and Wind Symphony, got selected to play on a song with orchestra, am rooming with one of my best friends in the whole world, am in better shape than I've been in a while, have a decently steady job, will be getting a car soon (one that I won't crash and won't be sold)...

So what is this?

There seems to be a huge void in my world, and it's hard to explain...in fact, I'm not sure I can. Not accurately, anyway.

I hate to be that girl, who has a lot of things but still complains...sorry. Nobody's perfect, and I'm certainly nowhere near a paragon of contentment. Is it just that I'm not satisfied, or am I neglecting an integral part of a happy life? What is it that I don't understand?

Not even a week into the school year, and already I feel discouraged. I don't know what to do about anything. I'm afraid of not living up to expectations, of not being what I'm cracked up to be, of delivering disappointing results...ultimately, I cringe at the very notion of failure. It's messed up, I know...My perspective is completely out of whack. I can't even comprehend what would happen were I to falter in any aspect of my school work, or practicing, or any of my other responsibilities.

And at the same time, while I'm feeling all of this, I feel like there's something missing. Something really big. I have almost everything I could possibly have wanted...but there's something else. I don't feel fulfilled, and no matter how many friends I may be surrounded with, sometimes I still feel alone.

WHAT IS THIS. It's confusing to me. It's pissing me off. Above all, it's distracting, which is causing me to ignore more important things that I should be thinking about.

Again, I'm sorry if you don't want to hear all that...be angry with me if you want. I completely understand if you say I deserve it. I know you've all got problems of your own. I just had to write this all down, to get it out.

Okay. Good things, good things, good things...

~Studio bonding tonight was pretty awesome. The new people seem really cool :)

~Clarinet ensemble starts tomorrow!

~Tomorrow is laundry day!

~People seem to like the thing I wear in my ear...

~Dr. M is giving me really hard music this semester...she must believe in me or something.

~My love for chicken is as strong as ever.

~I think I'll start re-learning Czech. I've been wanting/meaning to for a while :)

Bed time. As they say in Praha...Na Šledanou, doubrou noc.

Swim On, Little Fishie

Not really feeling very wordy today.

So after being back in Cedar Falls for a few days, it's been interesting.

Rooming with Stash...it took me about half an hour to get all my crap settled in here, I didn't bring that much. We have a lot of floor space, and do not yet own a TV. Without a doubt, it will be fun on a stick. I threw several Cheez-its at her and missed each time. Too many saxophones, need some to be gone. We had people over last night for some festivities, ended up laughing a lot, subsequently failing. Mostly though, fun times :)

Really into Deadmau5 lately, might be going to see him in October, holygodexciting.

My auditions both went really well, felt like I totally killed it on the clarinet one, hoping to kick some jazz ass this year (knock on wood). Results don't go up until a few hours from now (for concert ensembles), or after the jam tonight for jazz. Needless to say, suspense is killing me.

Seriously, listen to this..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tU-VA3BYzmg

I think I just killed a mau5.

Feeling so lucky to be surrounded by the people in my life...I can be emotionally wack sometimes, and that can be hard to put up with. Thank you, fate, for giving me such wonderful friends.

I wrote this. It speaks to my current mood.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pslKoZW8gyE

Sitting in my room right now, just thinking. I need to do that every once in a while. I also need to wash the silverware I just used...

That's all I've got for now. Nap time. Love yallllllllll.

The Floor Is Lava

Before I say anything about my own life, I need to vent.

This post, as a whole, isn't for me. This post is for anyone else who, like me, cannot fathom a reason as to why such bad things have to happen in the world. This post is for those of us who although we may not be directly affected, feel for those who are. Also, this is a little bit for me, just to get some things out.

A few minutes ago, I went on a philosophical rant on Twitter. Which I very rarely do. However, being that there are so many awful things going on right now, I had to spill a little.

Honestly, when I see people rioting in any situation, a chain of thoughts runs through my head...there's the initial question of what happened, of course. As I dig deeper, I honestly wonder what could have caused people to turn to violence in the first place. Was it really that big a deal? Did you really need to go steal, destroy buildings, beat people senseless, drive bystanders from their homes over this?? I understand disagreement, and the will to fight for what you believe in...what I don't understand is why it has to turn physical and escalate. Does the notion of peaceful protest seem unattainable, too "wimpy"?? Is it really necessary to turn to destruction as a method of getting what you want?

I think of Egypt, Libya, Iraq, China, London, and of course, America. Places like North Korea, Chechnya, Sudan. Whatever happened to the idea of peaceful resolution? The most reasonable conclusion I can come to is that there are too many people in the world who either haven't heard of, or refuse to accept the concept of compromising. Grow up, you fools...you can't always get what you want. Nobody can. We all make sacrifices on behalf of peace at different points in our lives...at least that's how it would be, in a more peaceful world.

These pictures really got me thinking...(Don't look if you don't want to be depressed!!)

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2011/08/london_riots.html (from a tweet by Toni Hoffman)

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2011/07/the_norway_attacks.html?camp=obinsite

Other things I've been thinking about/fail to understand:

~Michelle Bachmann needs to catch up with the rest of the world. The idea that there are people who agree with her message of hate and ignorance...it's disturbing. This woman needs help, y'all. Someone needs to help her see how clearly unjustified her prejudice is. If (lord forbid) her candidacy becomes serious, I really hope her supporters will eventually realize what they're actually supporting - a giant leap backwards for civil rights, and what would most certainly be a reign of terror and intolerance.

~Why is our government so indecisive? I can't begin to understand why they had to be so stubborn and argue for so long about it. So many times, they were so close to a solution...gah. And it's not just this debt ceiling thing either, it's everything!! Nobody can agree on anything anymore! Wtf.

~How the hell old is Ron Paul anyway? Self explanatory.

Rant over.

Lets have some good things to balance out all the angst...

I've been sleeping better lately! About a week ago, I started taking an over-the-counter sleep aid, after several days of staying up until 6AM and not being able to sleep. Speaking of which, I'm getting reeeeeeal tired right about now...

Also, only a week until I move back to Cedar Falls!! Time for a year of taking life as it comes, working hard, and unleashing the power of the sun. Xena has dismounted her horse...I'm still a warrior princess, fierce as ever - but after a year of battle, I feel just the right shade of tame.

This summer has made me realize a lot of things. Most importantly, I feel like I know where I'm going, and that I can totally get there and be happy, and have an awesome time along the way! I don't feel overambitious, nor do I feel like I'm not going anywhere at all. I feel like I know how to be. Which is pretty great :)

I've been practicing the tits off my pieces for the fall; I've picked the one for my audition, and am ready to get in there and tear it up...lets DO THIS, Von Koch!!!

K, tired now...buh-bye.

Now And Again

Well well well, look what the cat dragged in!

It's been months, I know...sorry. Not that I don't care anymore. It's not you, it's me.

But I'm back, and I have stories!! *yay*

It all started the last week of my freshman year of college, which ended up being a whirlwind adventure. So get ready.

To start off, guess who aced her performance major audition?!? This bitchhhhhh! After months of preparation, I stood up in front of Dr. M and friends, played the Bernstein sonata and Weber's Concerto no.2, and (I would like to think) melted some faces. Before I get too caught up in talking about it, I'll just say how stoked I am. Which is a lot.

I mean, this is totally a huge step, and it opens up a whole lot of doors for me! But even though it makes me one happy lil' fartknocker, being a performance major has created some problems. As if, right?

For example...as much as I loved being a part of my section in marching band last year, which was a lot, I could never kid myself into thinking I liked the marching part of it. Call me whatever you want, I don't care. I hate the long rehearsals, and the fact that it would completely eat up my Saturdays. For these reasons, and because it isn't required of performance majors, I immediately opted out of PMB. In an unprecedented turn of events, my action on this matter provoked an OUTRAGEOUS reaction! I wish some people would understand, it's NOTHING PERSONAL. Just because I'm not gonna go walk around a football field with you and blast my brains out in an un-musical fashion, while I could be working and earning money or practicing, doesn't mean I don't love you!! Damn!! What do you think I am, lame or something??

...well I guess that's the only problem it created. And even then it really isn't a huge problem. Marching band is a weight I've been dying to get off my shoulders for many moons. People just need to understand that. Geuuuuhhhhhh.

Moving on.

THEN came the summer job search. Now, I didn't know most people started looking for summer jobs in February...so one might imagine I was pretty severely POed while having little to no luck in May. By some weird stroke of luck, I ended up being offered 3 jobs in the same week (wtf, right?) - I could either work in the mobile department at Best Buy, be a detasseling supervisor, or do seasonal custodial work for the CR Schools. Naturally, I took the one with the most hours.

Now, I always pictured janitorial workers as somewhat upset to be where they were...so I didn't expect this job to be all sunshine and farts. I show up for my first day of work as summer cleaning personnel at Polk Elementary, and am greeted by the building engineer, Terry, who introduces me to Tina the Lunch Lady and Dirty Dawn.

Picture the classic suburban middle-aged mom. Friendly, crazy about her family, always claiming to watch her figure. Throw in a touch of redneck, and you've got Tina. I worked with her the most, cleaning classroom furniture, floors and walls. The nice part about this was I never felt like I had to say anything, since she talked the day away about"my daughter, Jewell" and "my Husband, Tim" and "my dog, Scooby".

Dawn was, needless to say...something else. I was in constant awe, not only of how she taught me an entirely new meaning of the word "profane", but of how she managed to survive at all. This woman lived on a daily diet of beer, cigarettes, and cheeseburgers. It's like...what?!?

Go to my twitter for some juicy quotes from this one. My personal favorite...

Tina: "Dawn, does your daughter want to go to church this Wednesday?"

Dawn: "She better not..."

Tina: "Why not?"

Dawn: "'Cuz I can't drive after 6."

So.

After a while of working there, I was transferred to Viola Gibson Elementary, which is across town and staffed by a much more intelligent group of tits. Win.

On the downside, I hurt myself at work last week. All the furniture-moving and desk-scrubbing took its toll on the tendons in my right wrist, leaving me with an inflamed carpal tunnel and preventing me from practicing for a few days. Also, that bump I've had on that same wrist forever? Turned out to be a ganglean cyst. Says the doctor: "It's not cancer, but it's not normal."

W00000...so I'm getting that checked out next week. Awesome.

Moving on!

I think most of you who read this know by now that I was involved with someone at the end of the year. For those of you who don't know, don't be alarmed - it was a girl. I won't say who it was, I don't know if she'd want me talking about it so publicly...we broke it off about a week and a half into the summer. She tells me it was because she'd have been away for the whole summer, and it would have been difficult to stay together because of that. Also, the timing was bad, being that the summer had just begun and we live in different cities.

I totally understand and agree with all of that...but being the hopelessly sensitive person I am, I still can't help but wonder if I somehow upset her. And it doesn't change the fact that even though this was a few months ago, I still miss her. I want so badly to talk to her again, but that proves difficult when we're both working all the time, and when I'm just plain nervous that she won't WANT to talk to me. Maybe it's irrational of me to be nervous about such a thing. At the same time, I can't really help it.

I guess only time will tell, hm? :/

MOVING ON...

Among the more exciting things I've done this summer was my visit to the Quad Cities, to visit my beloved quartet!!! Stash and I drove to Bettendorf in June, stayed with Abbey for a few days and we were reunited with the legend himself, Scott Bosco, and the best GBF I could ever ask for, Isaak Sund!! It was a weekend to remember...and it was all the easier to remember, being that there was no alcohol involved :P

I love these people, SO much...if I haven't said it before, I'll say it now; It's as if we were fated to meet. And I can't wait to spend the next 3 years with them by my side :)

Oh, and on a side note...I've been playing in the pit for TCR's production of Guys And Dolls. When they told me they wanted to hire me for the entire run, I literally cried. Ask my dad. I was a mess. It's been awesome, and I'm so stoked to have had this chance...I know now that I have the potential to succeed, in a major way. And it makes me have to pee with excitement.

Btw, I made this -check it out!!! Sorry if you've already seen it and don't care anymore, but I'm still proud of it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkWOBoenj-o&feature=channel_video_title

Working on a new one as we speak. So yeah.

K, I've been typing for a pretty long time now, and it's starting to hurt my crippled hand. I hope this update on my life was sufficient!

Peace out, word to your mother, etc.

Bye.

Asstastic!!

So. Haven't updated in a while. I've got other cuisine on my plate...sorry it's been so long, my lovelies. Having dispensed with the pleasantries, get ready for a crapload of fun in this post - it's asstastic!

Alright. First of all, to be perfectly blunt, I must just have rotten luck. No matter how professional I am when looking for a job, no matter how polite I am or how hard I work, no one has yet been willing to give me a chance.

I hate CR. I hate this economy, I hate being destined to live each day on the bottom rung of the ladder. I hate the possibility of never having the career I want in the future.

Of course, I knew what I was getting into when I chose this path...I knew it would prove difficult to find work as a musician upon graduating. I knew that. That, I'm not as concerned about. It's inevitable. At least then, I'll be done with school.

What I didn't count on was how hard it would be to find a minimum-wage job to help support myself UNTIL graduation.

Here's what I would like to have happen:

Find a steady job that I can have through my whole college career. Use the money from said job to pay rent and move off campus my Junior year. Live a happy college life not feeling like a burden on society. Go to grad school in New Mexico or Chicago, get my M.M. and eventually my doctorate. Take auditions until I find a position with an orchestra somewhere, make my way up the clarinet food chain. Everything works out.

Here's what I'm afraid will happen:

I continue to have my shitty luck, and don't find a job. Live in my parents' house every summer until I graduate, acting as my mom's slave. Stay in the dorms for the rest of my undergrad, put up with annoying neighbors and UNI's high cost of room and board. Have to postpone going to grad school because I can't afford it, scramble to find a job and work to pay off my student loans. Even then, after I've eventually made it through grad school, who's to say I'll be good enough to make it in my dream job anyway.

I don't want to end up a wannabe...I want to be somebody. Right now, I feel like nobody. I have been trying to get a job ever since summer began. Some of the lovely responses I've received: "Sorry, we just hired some new people." "We aren't looking for seasonal employees, sorry." "We're always taking applications, you might hear from us in a few weeks or something..." or, my personal favorite, NO RESPONSE AT ALL. I am available for 84 hours a week, including nights, weekends, and overtime. I'm willing to come back and work during the school year, during which I only live 45 minutes away from CR. I have a little over 2 years of experience working menial jobs like the ones I'm applying for, and have been more polite than a Mormon at church when interacting with potential employers. I've been calling back and following up on apps, which is always a good idea. What am I doing wrong?? Is there something I'm missing??

The only conclusion I've drawn is that I'm undesirable in one way or another. Oh well. Time to go lose 50 pounds, dress like an office slut and use my body to get ahead in the workplace. That must be what it takes to get hired these days.

Christ on a crutch...

And the list of reasons I need money is a mile long!

~I want so badly to be able to go visit my friends in Des Moines/the Quad Cities...With gas as expensive as it is, It'll cost a small fortune to get there and back. Stash, Abcde, Scott, Isaak, Katie - It will happen soon!! If I could, I would pull a Charlie Sheen; I'd shake my tits and make it so. Alas...I'm not some kind of magic genie. That doesn't work.

~Along the lines of gas and going places, I need to make it up to Cedar Fools in June to have a lesson with Dr. McCandless. I've been working on a lot of things, and she and I need to meet up to make sure I'm on the right track with interpretation and what not. It's for the clarinet...it's for the common good.

~Wind Symphony is going to Italy next year. Needless to say, that's a pretty big deal. As if I'm not already worried that I won't be able to go (if I get beat out by a freshman or something), I'm INCREDIBLY worried about the $1000 I need to save up to go if I make the band again.

~I can't just spend the whole year being broke. This reason is pretty self explanatory; If I am to have any sort of respect for myself, I can't owe people any money. It's rude, and reflects irresponsibility. Plus, my fear is that it'll alienate people from me for being a mooche! A financial leech, a deadbeat, a walking pity party, the friend who can never pay for herself and ends up being a total drag to hang out with because she feels like a loser for MOOCHING. I don't want to be that, hell to the no!! It'll be a calm day in Libya before I lose my dignity like that...

...but I digress.

I think I should just stop talking, I've said what I need to say. Until next time, I'll keep practicing until the sun sets, and hoping for the best.

Bye, y'all.

Jumping In Puddles

First of all...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pffE2UBvCTU&feature=fvst

No matter how many times I listen to this song, I think the same thing every time. I don't want to ever grow old.

As I reflect on today, while the weather turns shitty and mother nature continues to be confused, here's my most recent poetry brainpuke...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you do when nothing in your life makes sense?

Do you sit and think, why do I do anything I do?

When it's do or die, do you do and then die a little inside?

Do you come roaring back to life or crawling?

Where do you go when you're going mad from contemplation?

Do you contemplate going nowhere?

Why do we go anywhere?

Do we really know where we're going at all?

Who knows what we're even supposed to be?

Do I have a purpose, or do I still have a lot of soul searching to do?

How can I live without aging, die without fading away?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know growing old happens to everyone..it's inevitable. We all age, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Things like heartbreak, stress, difficult choices, laughter, empathy, conflict, and joy, leave their marks on our bodies and souls.

As excited as I am for the future, hopefully becoming an accomplished musician, the wisdom I will no doubt acquire with time...Is it too much to ask for as much time as possible to enjoy my youth? Being surrounded by friends and what little familiarity I can hold on to?

Chew on that for a while...

What Would Xena Do?

It's April, y'all. That means shit's about to get real.

I have an assload of things to do, ranging from recitals to concerts to the musical. Not to mention I can't fail school.

I fucking hate my speech class, but I'm gonna suck it up and do it anyway because I have to.

I want to rip my hair out.

Who am I kidding...shit's already gotten real. It's been real for a couple weeks now, and it's only gonna get worse from here.

Have to find some way to get through these next few weeks alive.

I ask myself...WWXD?

I imagine she'd let out a war cry and attack her problems with a battle axe while riding atop an iron-clad stallion.

I don't have a horse or a large blade of any kind. But armed with a clarinet and a strong will, I will ride my little ghetto car into the wilderness, conquer the stress demon, and bring back its head.

...If that makes any sense.

Dubstep

So I've really been into dubstep lately. Don't like it, you can deal.

It's chill and nasty rolled into one package, AND it pisses off my new neighbors. What more could I ask for?

BTW...by order of the Department of Residence, I was ordered to move to the skank hallway before I left for spring break. One could imagine I was pretty severely PO'ed about this, due mostly to my intense aversion to the people living in said hallway. Plus, it smells like beer and teen spirit over here...not a fan.

However, my new roommate Ali is a different story.

We went to middle school and high school together, graduated in the same class, in fact. Never talked to her in my life until we found out we had to move in together, and to be completely honest I didn't know what to expect. But after getting to know her a bit, I've come to a conclusion that she's actually cool! Here are some fun facts..

~We're both Bieber haters. I doodled profanities on some Bieber "trading cards" and stuck them on our door sign...home sweet home.

~We like similar music (DUBSTEPPPPP)

~We like to party.

~Zero skank tolerance. DEF a plus.

So yeah. Gonna work out? I think so.

On a totally different note, guess who's playing the woodwind book for UNI's production of the musical Urinetown?

Yahhhhhhhhhhh.

I've actually known about this for a while, and pretty much everyone up here knows it too...but I'm just really excited about it. I mean, today it hit me - this is my first show playing the entire woodwind book by myself, AND the first time I've been the first call player, not a sub. I mean I've subbed in the CR Municipal band several times before, and in the pit at TCR (Theatre Cedar Rapids), and other various paying jobs fit for an aspiring studio musician in her senior year of high school...but this is different. It's like a rite of passage, a whole new chapter in my musical life...I'm on my way. My career has begun, and I am shit-your-pants excited =D

Over spring break, I went to South Dakota with my fam. It was legit.

Let me start off by saying how lucky we are to have things as cool as the Black Hills in this country. I mean, what the hell. They're gorgeous!! I know they're famous for Black Hills gold, but that's not even the half of it...you go there, and the rocks are all infused with a mineral called Mica, which is shiny and peels apart in sheets. My mom is obsessed with it, she nearly peed from excitement when she realized it was everywhere. Of course, I'm not blaming her - it's sooooooo pretty. It makes the cliffs glisten, when they would otherwise be dull and ordinary...

Then there are the Badlands. Imagine being perched on a steppe in the middle of a seemingly endless landscape, not unlike the one pictured in The Lion King. Tan, as far as the eye can see. Gohhohohohohhhh. I bet there are dead people somewhere in those valleys...but lets not go thur.

Also, you'll never realize just how cool Mt. Rushmore is until you've stood in its shadow.

I think one of my favorite parts of the whole trip was the National Music Museum, though. It's like a music historian's Mecca; I definitely felt as though I was making some kind of pilgrimage in going there.

Hell, I've always been inexplicably fascinated by the evolution of musical instruments. I think I saw examples of every different key system that had ever been invented on the clarinet, and every ancestor and/or variety of the clarinet in history. They had an extensive collection of saxes, which included several oddities such as the straight alto, the saxello, curved sopranos, and an incredibly ornately engraved tenor made entirely out of silver. Perhaps the most awe-inspiring was the group of 5 saxes, soprano - bass, that were among the first manufactured by Adolphe Sax himself. The bass in that group was part of Sax's personal collection.

Mom was particularly infatuated with the Theremin, an early electronic instrument that uses electromagnetic fields to create sound. She played the audio clip over and over again...how many times can someone listen to Saint-Saëns' "The Swan" played on the Theremin?!! Guess that's Dawny for ya. Such a loveable kook.

Needless to say, the trip was neato.

BUT, I'm super glad to be back at UNI. As much as I love my family, I missed my friends more than I realized. So with a new room, a new roomie, and a renewed sense of community, Imma finish out the semester with a bang :)

HEALTH UPDATE:

I ate so much at home that I pretty much have to start all over again on my weight loss. Whoops.

XOXO <3

Oh Good God.

Holy tits, there's a new one. I believe it to be far worse.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jtVtSTr070

Someone...please help this girl. She just...needs help. Lots of it.

What What (In The Butt)

So. It's Spring Break.

I'm back home in Crapids, and when I say "home", I mean I'm pretty much staying at what I like to call Hotel Asia.

My family has moved to yet another house, which my mom promises to be our last move. It's pretty cool, smaller than the Park Ave. house, but quite a bit bigger than the little piss-colored palace on Lakeside Rd. that we moved from. I have my own room in the basement, which normally I would be staying in right now, but is instead currently inhabited by 2 foreign exchange students.

Nadia is from Thailand, and is here in America for one year through the Youth For Understanding program. She has been through 3 other host families, and has had problems. Since she's friends with Kozo, our YFU student from Okinawa who has been with us since the beginning of the school year, my family decided to take her in once they moved to the new house, because they would be able to give her my room (since Kozo would already have his own room here). She's been doing a lot better, and seems to fit right in with my family. And for the past week or so, Chisa (a girl from Koyo high school in Okinawa) has been here through the Koyo-Washington exchange. She'll be here until Saturday, when the Koyo kids leave, and is currently staying in my room with Nadia.

The best and most entertaining part of all this is watching Lucy leave in the morning, driving 3 Asians to school in her crappy 1988 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera, which my half-Lebanese cousins Emma and Nina have cleverly named "Janass". Lucy and the Asians...kinda sounds like a band name. Haaaaaaaa...

So I'm left sleeping on the couch in the living room. No big deal...I mean sure, I'd like to have my bed back someday. Another 3 months or so and I'll be golden...but until then, glad to lend my part of the house to someone who needs it while I'm away :)

I've been having a ball over the past few days, with my peeps from WHS. It's funny, no matter how much time has passed or what each of us has gone through, we can still get together and it'll be like nothing has changed.

Eileen...certifiably crazy, outwardly innocent, unique to say the least. She's the one who keeps the night going by wanting to have some kind of adventure - a walk to the park at 1AM, prank calling people, throwing things (or herself) at Carly, the list goes on. Despite her being a bona-fide nutcase at times, she's one I can count on to be there for me through anything, and to put a smile on my face when all I want to do is cry. You mess with her, you mess with me. Or any of us for that matter!

Carly...she's one of those people who was meant to be a grandma. Naturally, I mean that in the nicest way possible! She reads all the time, loves animals almost religiously, regularly makes a point to go to the chiropractor, and can knit literally anything you can think of. Her and Eileen have been friends since elementary school. She keeps it real, and doesn't sugar-coat things, which is way cool. And even though she plays it safe in nearly all aspects of life, we love her for it :)

Rosslyn...ohhh boy. I've known her since 2nd grade, and we've always had a love-hate relationship. I used to bully her at recess, which later came back to bite me in the ass our freshman year at Wash! After that though, we just decided to be friends, which turned out to be one of the better decisions I've made. She's a fierce friend, very opinionated, which really helped me get through some tough times in my life when I didn't know what to do or say. She's also really supportive, and helps keep my emotional outbursts in check (in a good way, of course). Thankfully, she also does the same for Eileen when things get just a little out of hand :P

Jake...we went from being strangely awkward in middle school (he was BFF's with this kid who hated me, Dan Williams, who is now a huge pothead), to being hangout buddies. He started chilling with us because he was friends with Rosslyn, and he dated Eileen for a while. He's pretty hilarious! Doesn't take crap from anyone, but he knows how to have fun...a happy medium. He'll make the perfect cranky old man someday xD

Erika...ahhhh, Erika. The one who introduced me to the word "tits". We went to middle school together, never really talked until the last part of last year though. She used to hang out with this one chick, Stacey Moore, who shaved half her head our Junior year...but that's beside the point! Erika is a CHARACTER. One of the most artistic people I've ever met, also one of the funniest. She loves cats, old people, tits, and LOTR. And I don't blame her, those are all spectacular things. We have such similar senses of humor, so she's always a blast to hang around with!

Oh yes...these people are the best kind of people.

When the rest of my friends were caught up in high drama, that's when I started hanging around this bunch, sometime during Junior year. Within our little group, drama seems to disappear. We can all just..be. It's awesome.

So we've hung out pretty much every night since Saturday, when we had a surprise birthday party for Eileen. We're going to see Black Swan tomorrow night at Collins Rd Theaters, because Erika works there and it's hella cheaper than any other theater in town. Can't wait :)

Coincidentally, I have to admit - as much as I love school, it's been nice to have a bit of a break from it. I now understand why they have spring break, and I've come to realize how important it is. Especially after how stressful and unpleasant the last week BEFORE break was...I think being in classes for that length of time, with no breaks, can have its undesirable effects on anyone. Not only did I notice my friends becoming more and more stressed and in need of a break from eachother, but I saw it in myself as well. The terrible nature of that week made it perfectly clear to me that spring break is necessary, so we don't all kill eachother!

Having said that, I feel like when we all get back, things will have changed, and we'll all be refreshed. I reeeeeeally look forward to seeing all my college friends again...Stacia, Abbey, Scott, Isaak, all of you...it'll be one hell of a happy reunion :)

I HAVE A CAR AGAIN. My dad got a new van - it's red and ugly and perfect for him. By some miracle, he and mom decided that as long as I pay the monthly insurance on it, dad's old 93 Accord is MINE. Fuckyahhhhhhh!

It's not the prettiest car, by any means. There's a large crack in the windshield, and some rust on the back, BUT, everything works. And since mom has never driven it, it's stayed clean on the inside! One thing I'm glad to have inherited from my dad is his cleanliness. Also, patience - it came in handy for both of us when he taught me to drive a stick shift a few years ago. I love driving stick...it makes me feel so BAD A$$!

P.S: personalized plates = DELIN. What what.

Check this out...and afterwards, please don't bitch slap me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CD2LRROpph0

WOW. Did YOU immediately think "what the holy hell is this"? Did YOU want to punch her every time she said "FRIIIIIDAY"? BARF OUT...*~*

If you watched the whole thing, A+. It takes some serious balls to sit through something that ghastly. I mean, what is she, like 13? You don't go out and do that crap when you're 13...you can't even drive. Also:

~0:28, where do I find a sign like that, that just says "Bus Stop"?

~1:10, watch the friend on the left, in the pink. Huhuhuh...awkward x10.

~2:04, wtf? Are these lyrics translated from Mandarin? Or, granted, she is still in middle school, in which case her grammar skills are understandably inadequate. Still..please STFU.

~2:29, who even is this??? Not exactly a good way to start a successful rap career, pal!

~2:49, Mad: "Clearly traffic lights in the background." Eileen: "PLEASE, get hit by a bus!!!"

Sorry...it's just that if that's the future of the music industry, I think I'll go sit in the corner and mourn the loss of creativity. I mean...cripes.

HEALTH UPDATE:

I think I've eaten more in the past 4 days than I had for the 2 weeks prior to coming home. Not that I don't eat at school, because I do. However, since I've been home I've probably been eating twice what I would normally eat in a day at school. Good thing I'm going on a run tomorrow, and starting my ab workout again for the first time in 4 days...After spring break, when I get back to UNI, shit's gonna get real. Real INTENSE!!!

Oh, and one more thing before I leave for the night...Katie Hawks, if you're reading this, I still miss you terribly! Facebook is my main way of keeping in touch with all my lovely UNI friends, and you don't have one...but I know you read my blog sometimes. So here you go :)

*Internet hug*!!!

Bye now :]]

Give Me A Plastic Chicken

So. The title of this post is a reference to my latest addiction, the Facebook game Dog Show Friends. I can't seem to stop playing it...thank you, Stacia. I now understand why Lucy was so addicted to Farmville for so long - it's impossible to quit!! It gives me some strange sense of satifsaction, which I neither understand nor question.

In the game, you need certain items to continue training your puppy, and one of the levels requires a plastic chicken for whatever reason. I needed like 8 of them, too! RIDIC'LUS.

Anywho.

So this past weekend was the MVC Men's Basketball tournament in St. Louis, which I went to for pep band, and it was kind of awesome. Despite the last person who subbed for me having lost half the tunes in my folder, which put me off immensely for a while, I had a ton of fun with Caryn, Gretchen, Stash, Megan the GA, and lots of others. Here's some cool/not-so-cool stuff that happened!

Good:

~They showed the saxes and clarinets on the TV camera a lot

~What what, in the butt!

~Late night heart-to-heart with Stash and Caryn <3

~Jon Mallak attempting to eat a burger aptly named the Tower of Doom, which combined 12 one-pound beef patties, a pound of fries, and a bunch of other crap. Yum.

~Crepes

~The views from our room and Megan's room - GORGEOUS!!

~The Arch, which we never actually went up in but got to see lit up at night :)

~All the awesome architecture downtown...why can't we have buildings like that in IA???

Poop:

~It rained pretty much the whole time. Euuuwhhh.

~We lost the first game...eh. Whatevs.

~Might not have gotten to do everything we wanted to do, but hey.

~Drunk people EVERYWHERE in the hotel!!

So yeah. That was fun!

This week is midterms week, which sucks. Everyone's so stressed out, causing them to either be bipolar or outwardly PO'ed 24/7. I'm an internal wreck, so I'm just trying to stay as positive as I can..we won't get into any of my problems here, you probably don't want to hear them. Some of my friends have really been worried about Theory/AT/SS, and I don't know what to say to them without sounding stuck up, other than "You can do this, it's not as bad as you think it is! I believe in you!" or "Try not to worry about it so much..the more you worry about it, the less you'll be able to concentrate."

I don't think I've ever mentioned it on here, purely because I don't really talk about it, but I have what's called Aural Recall, aka. Perfect Pitch. I can identify any pitch, tell how sharp or flat it is, and sing any pitch, without a reference. I can hear tones in percussive sounds, like the ticking of a clock or a pen tapping on a desk. When notes are out of tune, it causes me physical pain. It's especially useful for AT and Sightsinging...at the same time, however, I don't like to talk about it because I don't want anyone to make a huge deal out of it. I can't relate to my friends' problems in those classes, and I can't help anyone with ear training because I don't know how to explain it. Sometimes I feel like I'm judged for it, disliked for it..but there really isn't anything I can do, other than not talk about it. If I've ever caused anyone grief because of it, I'm sorry...the last thing I want is to be a bitch.

HEALTH UPDATE:

I haven't been to the gym since Wednesday, because of the whole pep band trip, and because it was closed yesterday when I woke up. I've really been misbehaving on this whole diet/exercise thing for the past 5 days or so...time to get my ass in gear.

I'm a bit upset with myself for how out-of-control my language has been lately. Overuse of "fuck", "shit", "tits", "balls", etc. I remember resolving to cut that out, but it hasn't really happened as much as I'd like it to. Maybe it's just from stress, but it just feels like everyone's extra pissed off lately, and I've realized my profanity isn't really helping it right now. So that's gonna change.

Totally random, but I feel like I should share my thoughts on a movie I watched this weekend.

Film: The Lord of the Rings - The Two Towers

Plot: As the hobbits Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee make their way to Mordor to destroy the Ring of Power and keep it from Sauron, they run into this UGLY person named Gollum. Well he's not a person but still. He says he can take them to Mordor, and that's all they really need to hear. They make their way through a nasty swamp of dead people, and finally reach the gate. Meanwhile, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli are chasing the group of Orcs that kidnapped Pippin and Merry. Gandalf comes back to life as Gandalf the White, and shit gets real!!! Then a tree man shows up, and a bunch of battles occur at Rohan, where the king's son dies. Eowyn falls in love with Aragorn, who's already got it bad for Arwen, that one elf from Rivendell who's crazy enough to pledge her life to him and become mortal...stoop.

Favorite part:

First watch this one...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYiCPmwOV4A

Then watch this.

http://www.whatistaters.ytmnd.com/

Ahahahahahahah.

LEGEND UPDATE:

We've been talking a bit more, hanging out more, stuff like that...I've decided just to stay friends with him. I've just got that vibe like it isn't gonna happen, yk?

GAH I just wish everyone would calm themselves and see the light at the end of this demanding, malicious tunnel..I realize everyone goes through periods of being whacked-out, that it's a natural part of life, but I hate watching it happen to people I care about.

I think I'm seeing a theme with my life here...

Unconditional love is one of the most beautiful things...When you like being around someone just..because. When that person makes you happy by simply spending time with you. When you want nothing more for that person than to see them as happy as they make you. When you wouldn't dream of hurting them. When no matter what they may say or do to you out of frustration or anger, all you want to do is help alleviate their pain, so they can be at peace. When even after they've tried the deepest depths of your patience, you don't have the heart to give up on them.

At the same time, unconditional love can be one of the most painful, bittersweet things. When not returned, it may not make you love them any less, but it can take its toll on your heart.

Fin

Bittersweet Symphony

I miss home.

I miss my little sister. I miss my puppies. I miss my bed, which I can't sleep in when I go home because that's where our exchange student sleeps. I miss having a permanent place my family can call our own. I miss waking up on Sunday morning to the smell of waffles coming from the kitchen. I miss hearing mom and dad pester eachother in their funny way. I miss all the stupid shit Lucy and I say and do together. I miss curling up on our big couch with Scout by my feet.

I miss having a good sound on the clarinet. I miss knowing what I'm talking about in jazz theory. I miss being good at the sax instead of halfway decent.

I miss not being overweight. I miss having control over my emotions.

Why is everything so hard right now?

Sometimes I wish things were the way they used to be...

Nothing Lasts Forever

Can you guys keep a secret?

...I'm afraid of falling in love.

I'm walking around this morning, doing whatever, going to my sightsinging test (which I aced), clarinet ensemble, etc. Everything seems to be going well - I'm hanging out with Scott (always a good time), helping James set up chairs, picked up Stacia to go to ensemble, going about my business.

Suddenly, at some point, I start feeling off.

I was struck today with overwhelming self awareness. Amid the frippery around me, I began to sense my own awkwardness, my own certain...I don't know what.

Not trying to be a Debbie Downer or anything, but when I really like someone, generally, this happens:

Stage 1: You're cool. We get along really well. It's fun. Yay.

Stage 2: Holy crap I think I like you. We have a lot in common, you make me really happy, things are good!

Stage 3: I'm scared I'm not good enough for you, you could do much better than me. I can't tell you how I feel or I'll panic. I'll just set you free. No big deal..

I mean, I always recover. This is just another way of illustrating the fact that I'm shy as hell.

I really like this guy right now...we'll call him The Legend.

Can't give out too many details. If he does find out, I want it to be in person. But I will tell you that he's a walking good time; whenever we hang out, we always have so much fun, and he cracks me up! We have SO much in common..we can talk about most anything and it isn't the least bit awkward. He's really tolerant, really open, and really sweet. Not to mention his eyes, whose inviting gaze grabs hold of me and doesn't let go. I could go on for a while about him, but I don't want to be that girl.

In any case, I'm terrified to tell him, not only because we're friends, but also because he's (how should I say this)...taken. By a girl I perceive to be among the most boring on the planet. I won't go any further down the path of jealousy, but you'd better believe there's some frustration goin' on in my crazy lil' heart right now.

Isaak says I should just tell him (TL) how I feel, that I never know what could happen. I hate the disappointment of rejection almost as much as I hate clowns, so naturally, I'm thinking hell-to-the-no. But college is all about new experiences, right? After some serious arguing between my hormones and my rational thoughts, I changed my decision...ahhh, what the fuck. Why not.

I'm thinking of dropping the load tonight. Not quite sure how I'll bring it up, I'll have to wait for the opportunity to arise..at which point I'll be both totally stoked AND shit-and-piss scared. Oh well! I just have to remember not to flip a tit, no matter what he says, and I'm golden.

HEALTH UPDATE:

I've gone to the WRC every day this week. Yesterday, in addition to my stint on the elliptical, Caryn and I did a 15-minute ab workout, which about killed me, due to my lack of abs. Woke up this morning and OHHHHHOHOHOH lordy could I feel it. It also appears I'm beginning to lose some girth. Awesomeeeeee.

I'll keep you posted...lets hope I don't crash and burn.

<3

Stacia Wins The Super Bowl

↑ = Lol.

I suddenly thought of the time I was walking to a basketball game with Abcde, Julie, and Stash; we were arguing about football teams, who would win the super bowl and such...this is roughly how the conversation went. I might have gotten people mixed up but whatever:

Julie: "The packers are stupid."

Mad: "Whatever. You're just afraid they're gonna win."

Abbey: "They're both stupid!!"

Mad: "Packers!"

Julie: "Steelers!"

Stash: "STACIA!!"

Bahahah. The girl never fails to brighten my day.

So the reason I'm ACTUALLY posting is because I'm about to embark on a long and treacherous journey. I will endure trials of both mental and physical strength, and it will take a long-ass time. Who knows how I will have changed in the end.

That's right. This bitch is going to get in shape.

This is a new thing for me, having not been in shape for SO long. Seriously, I can't remember the last time I could run without feeling out of breath. I've always had more than a little healthy jiggle, and I'm honestly tired of spending most of my evenings sitting on my arse watching crime dramas and BET. Something's got to change, yo. And it's got to change now.

I went to the WRC (UNI's version of the Y) tonight and used the elliptical for half an hour, burning 225 calories and going a total distance of 2 miles. I sweat more than a hooker in a church, it was disgusting. I probably smelled horrid...the smell of success. However small a success it was, it was still a success!

Gotta stay positive here...*insert Xena war cry*

Yeah. I'm setting a personal goal to do that every day, and bump it up gradually so I'm constantly being pushed. I need more of that in my life.

I've been drinking a crap ton of water, too. Apparently that's good. Also, I'm cutting out fried foods, and I'm not gonna snack so much. Watching my calories, etc. Baby steps...I'll be updating my progress weekly.

Hopefully this works and helps me :)

Dr. McCandless moved me up to 3.5 reeds...for all you non woodwind players out there, Vandoren reeds come in 5 strengths, ranging from 2 (the softest and least resistant) to 4 (the hardest and most resistant). I've played on 3's since I started clarinet my freshman year at WHS, and apparently I've gotten waaaaaay too comfortable with them. Because these new reeds are hell on a stick.

I'm getting a bit better on them, but right now, it's taking for freaking ever and I'm severely PO'ed. Moving up a strength in reeds is like getting your braces adjusted, or getting used to sleeping on a new piercing..you hate it for a good while, but you've got to remember why you're doing it and why it's worth it.

Pissssssss...I wish I could speed up the process though.

Highlights...

:]]]]]]]

~The NCAA Men's Basketball tournament in St. Louis is next week, and the pep band gets to go. Fo free. Tits!!!

~Tallcorn Jazz Festival was this weekend, and it went out with a bang. Haha...

~I've really gotten into jazz clarinet. I think I should pursue it...yes?

:[[[[[[[

~Learned a valuable lesson this weekend...stay the hell away from jungle juice.

Peace love and such.

Rise Above The Universe

Everyone, I have had a revelation.

After a very intense lesson with Dr. McCandless today, and after quite a bit of thought about my inner self and my future, I've realized some very important things. Most importantly, I've never been more sure of what my calling is. I know now what I was born to do...I've decided to dedicate my life to the clarinet.

I want to be the best I can be, and I want to do whatever it takes to be at my best. Up until now, I've relied entirely too much on natural ability and practicing until it's "good enough". Dr. M enlightened me today on how that won't work. During my lesson, I began to notice more than ever how right she was about my tone being held back by reeds that are too soft, about my fingers moving too far away from the horn, about how my interpretation of etudes sounded unplanned, like I was going off instinct. And I thought, holy crap.

I'm lucky to have a teacher as supportive and patient as she is...the moment I was struck with reality, she could tell. Instead of getting frustrated with me, for even a moment, she gave me a most encouraging talk. She assured me that the frustration I was feeling was a natural part of my growth as a musician, and that she had true confidence in me.

Needless to say, I'm not going to let her down. My path is clear now, and there's no turning back. I am a clarinetist, and I will strive to unleash my passion through my art.

Dr. M...thank you :)

On another note, you may have noticed I've been in a bit of a funk for a few days. That's for a couple reasons, one of which I can't really mention because it's someone else's secret that they shared with me. It caused me to become intensely concerned, and from the moment I found out the situation, I constantly worried about that person until the problem was solved today. I'm just glad that person is gonna be alright...it pains me to imagine what my life would be like if they suddenly had to walk out of it because of an emergency like that :)

Ahhhh I'm pathetic. Haha.

The other reason for my mood was because I was off my anxiety medication for a little while, which is never a good thing. Chemical imbalances and I aren't really good friends. I get all...emo. And it really sucks, not only because I can't control my emotions and it's embarrassing, but I tend to do stupid irrational things. Also, I feel bad for my family - they worry about me when they see depressing blog posts and FB statuses, they're an hour away, and I don't always answer my phone. Sorry, guys...

And if I caused anyone else alarm recently, I'm sorry to you too. I have re-stocked my supply of chill pills (AKA got my prescription filled), so things are peachy once again!

Also, this video helped...warning you though, don't watch it in a public place, and if you're in polite company, turn the volume down plz&thx.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzd8IuESLi8

Word.

Highlights...

:]]]]]]]

~SNOW IS MELTING. Don't get me wrong, I love snow and all...just now when it's brown and gross and stays around forever. Srsly.

~I quit TBΣ and pledged ΣAI. Nothing against Tau Beta, they're still cool! I just feel like I've bonded a whooooole lot better with the ΣAI girls (even before pledging), and this way, I'll be able to dedicate myself more to one service group rather than less to both.

~I'm not sick anymore. TITS!!

~2 words. Harlem Congo. Most fun I've had with jazz clarinet evarrrr

~ <=ooo|ooo=0 (that's a clarinet)

:[[[[[[[

~Soooooooo many people are sick.

~The Legend is with another woman. (I'll explain later. It's a good story, I promise.)

~I hate being flat ass broke, and I need a job badly.

It's all good in the hood :)

Sleepless Nights

Sleep, tonight,

Avoids me like a plague.

I hopelessly lie awake.

Not from bodily illness,

But from sickness of the soul.

I wait, I wonder, I worry,

I fear for you.

I watch helplessly

As you do the same.

I pray to invisible ears

For your good fortune..

For sometimes things happen

That cannot be wished away,

Nor washed away

Within a day.

If anyone is listening,

Hearing my words on the wind..

Please..

I only ask

That you help her.

Iced Tea And Broken Dreams

If there were ever a day dedicated to having mixed feelings, this would be it.

Tomorrow is Valentine's day, a day I dread. Every year, people make such a big deal out of it for whatever reason, and usually that reason is a person/persons. Nobody seems to realize that this holiday is the spawn of the corporate world, and often causes us shy people to hole up in our rooms the entire day, thinking of what could be but isn't.

Yes. As hard as this may be to believe, I am incredibly shy when it comes to having feelings for anyone. I will usually only admit my secret crushes if I really trust the person not to judge me, or if I'm inebriated. Otherwise, I'm terribly terribly afraid of being shot down or criticized, and above all, having my heart broken. I may have a confident exterior, and I usually am confident in many things...but when it comes to matters of the heart, truth be told, I'm incredibly nervous in every regard.

Wind Symphony and jazz band both had concerts this week, which were both totally killer. I mean, Jazz at The Hub is always awesome, but this time seemed particularly great because so many people were there and the energy was...well, it was spectacular.

THEN there was Wind Symphony.

It was great. That's all I have to say. Just great. If you didn't have goosebumps at the end of Make Our Garden Grow, you have no soul.

I'm getting another roommate, because Noehren Hall sucks and is making a huge deal out of it. FML.

I'm sorry, I'm just...things aren't good right now. I'm on my period, and I'm sick from A) CRAMPS and B) a cough/cold. Hate to complain this way, but right now it just seems like nothing is good and everything is going downhill. Even if things aren't that way, that's what I feel like right now. I don't want anyone to see me when I'm like this...I've somehow lost hope and faith in the world and I really want it back, but it's as if this hope and faith sits in a distant world from my own.

I know, I know...get over yourself, Mad. Stfu. Etc.

Right now, I don't care.

I'm sorry...

20x(^^^)=win.

Uneventful, uneventful, un-e-f'ing-ventful.

Not very much going on at all.

If you're reading this, don't. I'm supposed to be doing my Aural Training homework right now, and I'm clearly not. Therefore, by skimming through my unimportant brain poop, you're being an enabler, telling me it's ok to procrastinate and fart around like I'm doing.

Well I've got news for you. It's not.

Uhhhhhhhh...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZkaF4Z-oik

I'll ttyl. Later this week.

Kthxbai.

Super Inuit

So. Lots and lots of stuff.

First of all, the title of this post is actually a song by a band called Holy Fuck. I thought it appropriate, since I feel like a little eskimo hiding away in my igloo right now...lol.

I've been stuck in this room for 6 hours straight. It's wierd, because Caitlin moved out and now there's a whooooole lotta empty space that I have no idea what to do with. Perhaps I'll bring back my lil' couch...its cushions may have an uncomfortable bar between them, but when I lay on it the right way it does wonders for my back. Hoohohohohoho...I tell you. I slept on it one time, woke up the next day having not moved. Fockkkkkk.

I made this sweet door sign for myself with sharpies and crap...

Yeah, that's Chris Pine. On my damn door. Don't you wish you had one.

Cedar Fools is currently buried under an ass pile of snow. People are calling it the SNOWPOCALYPSE. I believe it. It freaks me out, having seen this movie...

Film: The Day After Tomorrow

Plot: It's the near future, and Earth is PISSED. People have been polluting the air with chemicals, greenhouse gases, CO2, and whatever, for years. There's this scientist and he has a kid who gets in trouble at school and then goes to some academic competition with some people. Suddenly, it starts raining all over the place. Then, a bunch of temperature sensors in the sea are freaking out, and weather people all over the world start to notice weird stuff happening...Because of all the rain, the global water level starts to rise. The city where the main character's son is (I think it's NYC, can't really remember) floods, and they all have to leave so they don't die. A russian ship floats through Times Square. Holy balls. The main character and his scientist friends figure out that this is all somehow caused by global warming, and report it to the government. They all realize too late that they've fucked up the planet, just in time for NASA to send satellite photos of some HUGE ice storms. These storms cause EVERYTHING to freeze, including all the water from the floods. Helicopters fall out of the sky. The northern hemisphere is covered in ice and snow. The president dies. Everyone is forced to go to Mexico.

Not even gonna finish...

Favorite Part: I don't even have one. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I seriously flipped a tit about this movie. It seems real. Like, it could actually happen. I mean, we all know how big of a concern global warming has become...and how wasteful people can be. This is why I recycle. Because I don't want the atmosphere to go to shit, and I sure as HELL don't wanna see no more floods.

This storm we're having right now? Yeah, reminds me a lot of the one in the movie for some reason. Hope classes are cancelled or something, so I'm not required to go outside.

LORD. I made the mistake of going to the book store in the blizzard today. It felt like a fucking quest. I had to stop in Lawther (conveniently located halfway between my room and the store) and rest, both on the way there and the way back. The eerie sounds of the wind were all I could hear as I walked. There were literally no people out but me, the crazy bitch who needed her jazz theory book so badly she'd risk freezing her ass.

I went there for 3 books that I needed, 2 for jazz theory and 1 for sightsinging. They had 2 of them, but one of the jazz ones was out of stock, so they asked me if i wanted to order it. I had half a mind to tell them "No ma'am, I don't want you to order that for me. If the weather keeps lookin' like this, DO NOT expect to see my ass in here to pick it up, because said ass will either be sitting in a warm building, or have been amputated due to frostbite."

Instead, I just ordered the book...FML.

I am listening to Gorilla Zoe. Why. Because midnight is the best time to be ghetto? Haaaaaa...

Aside from the fact that campus has turned into a vast snow-ridden hellhole covered in white winter waste, life has actually been really great lately!

The clarinet symposium on Saturday was a total blast...I have never felt like such a clarinet nerd as I did that entire day. Hayley Graham was there, my lil' pal from the HS across town from Wash. She played at Dr. M's masterclass, and it was fab! (BTW, she told me today that she's officially coming here and joining the studio next year. Win!!)

Andrew Seigel and Eric Mandat are both neato. Some things I liked/disliked about their recitals...

Liked:

~Dr. Seigel did an Eric Dolphy transcription on bass...LOVE

~The piece Dr. Seigel did on E♭ was ADORBS!

~Mandat's unaccompanied bass pieces were wicked.

Not so much:

~Didn't really care for all the multiphonics Mandat used...sure they're cool to a point, but after a while, I was honestly thinking wtf..

After all the events were over, a bunch of us went to this sweet restaurant downtown, Montage, including Dr. M and the guest artists. I sat with Abcde, Julie and Steph, and we were joined by Scott, James, Alisa, Veronica, and Ranee. I had the best chicken alfredo of my LIFE, and I actually tried bruschetta. Liked it. Then Steph and I shared this rum cheesecake...I about died. Best goddamn cheesecake I've ever had, hands down.

The whole night was fantastic.

I've had this feeling for a while..I'm sure I've mentioned it before, how the clarinet studio is beginning to feel like a second family to me. Well, after that day and night, I'm sure of it. I've found where I belong, what I'm supposed to be doing, and who I'm supposed to be doing it with.

Stacia was having a really tough time the other day...it was heartbreaking to see her so torn up about everything. I did the best I could to help her talk it out. It's the least I could have done, after all she's gotten me through already!

Funny, how friendship can progress so quickly...sometimes, it takes a while. Other times, you meet someone who you seem to instantly just..click with. I've had a lot of really close friends before, seen a lot of drama between them. I've seen them change over time, along with my relationships to them. I've also heard the term "best friend" thrown around a lot before...but I've never really felt safe about using it until now. No regrets :)

I leave you with my final musical thought for the night...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izQsgE0L450

Fin.