Don't Forget the Turnaround!

*UPDATE*

SO, after several things being brought to my attention, I've decided to revise my post to include MORE things that have happened to me, which I had mistakenly left out before...

Kenzie and Carly came to visit!

I neglected to mention the fact that even though Kenzie lives in Omaha now, and Carly lives in Indianola, I got to see both of them last week during their fall breaks. Even though I may not have said anything before, I was VERY excited to see both of them and super stoked to have them here!! I know I'll probably be called a jerk several times now...don't hate, celebrate. Looooove youuuuuuu :]]

The Legend is forever.

Scott...just because I don't explicitly mention you doesn't mean I'm not thinking every second about your glory. I'm surprised at you, sir...you should know by now you have a special brotherly place in my heart :)

*ORIGINAL POST*

For a little while now, I've felt like I'm in an alright place, but not a great one. And I have no one to blame but myself, really.

Things I've realized lately...(or things that have become clearer than ever lately)

People change.

Clearly. But it can be hard to accept. Things happen - we try something new and make it a part of our lives, we meet someone new, etc. It isn't always easy to get used to something when we've just gotten used to another thing. Frankly, it sucks sometimes; but the thing I've had to remind myself of lately is that no matter how dire things seem in a friendship, you've got to keep at it. Swim on, little fishie...that current won't beat down on you forever.

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Being the sensitive butt that I am, I fully understand that I feel emotions quite extravagantly. As of late, however, I've started to think, "Is it really as big a deal as I'm making it?" My ability to brush things off is improving, although there are still demons I have to face. Sacrifices will have to be made, but I've got to do it. If I'm to get anywhere in the world, especially in the career field I've picked, I've got to suck it up.

That's all I've got for those.

And now, the good part!

Seeing as it's been weeks since I've blogged, here are all the happenings you've missed.

So I entered the UNI Instrumental Concerto Competition. Preliminary rounds for woodwinds are this Friday. I'm playing Weber II, mvt. I, and I know it well by now. That being said, I'm starting to flip a tit about it being so soon. I literally have no idea what my chances are. Hohhhhohohohoh...nerves.

I've been developing a closer relationship with God, and let me tell you, it's pretty sweet! There are some awesome people in the music major prayer group that I go to, who've helped me get better at praying and learning from the Bible, stuff like that...I've really got to thank Caryn, Faith, Steph, James, Hannah Murphy, and Hsueh-Ling Huang for being right there with me.

Remember how I was having trouble getting a certain someone off my mind? Well, I'm here to tell you...I've moved on.

It's like this: I'd rather let go of it and be open to new possibilities than hang on and be all weepy about it. Clearly, there's a reason it didn't work. All there is to it. Although, it goes without saying that I'll always care about her...it just isn't meant to be.

And along those lines, by some random chance...I seem to have happened upon a man :)

We met at work...his name's Joel. Out of nowhere, we started talking one day during the brunch shift. We ended up talking about typical things, music, movies, stuff we like, etc...at one point, he mentioned the new Tron movie, which I hadn't seen, and we suddenly had plans to watch it together. By the end of the shift he had my number, we hung out that weekend, and the rest was history :)

Well, more like we've hing out quite a bit since then, and I kind of really really like him and he likes me and yeah :)

Oh lawd...now I've gone and started using too many faces. Whoops :)

As Tori Ovel would say, that is the LAWD'S MESS. (Luh you gurl!)

People who've made my life a little brighter lately:

~Tori Ovel - My honeychild. The girl walks around bringin' happy wherever she goes. Whenever I see her, I did not expect it to be so soon :P

~Joel Steger - He walked into my life one day, and I hope he's here to stay for a while :)

~Toni Hoffmann and Faith Hall - Just look at their facebook walls. Instant cheer!

~The freshman clarinets - We took them to Heart of Darkness (a haunted complex) last Friday, then had some quality bonding time at VI. Hayhay, La-a, Molliesha, N-Lyfe, DeShawn, welcome to the family :]]

~Julie Seibert - I am SO glad we're hanging out more, woman. You are your own brand of craycray :D

~Kendra Secoy - Always boss, always herself. The world needs more Kendras, no question!!

~Isaak Sund - I feel like there isn't anything I can't tell you. As if it's not clear already...there's nothing we can't tackle together :)

Before I close... To Abbey and Stacia...as wierd and downward-sloping as things may seem sometimes, I'm trying my best to understand and be at peace. I love you both so much, and I want you to know I'll never give up. Ever.

Urban Legends

For some reason, listening to 90's Britney always cheers me up...huh.

So! As always, a lot has happened since last post. Sorry.

*Life Updates*

So the year started out with a bang. Not gonna lie, I partied quite a bit the first few weeks...eh.

Classes started, and they were mostly alright - AT and Sightsinging, I can tell, are going to be a waste of time this year. Testing out of them...yay! Also, I dropped my World Geography class, because I can't take a non-stop Tuesday/Thursday.

I'm working a lot, or at least it feels like a lot. My dining center job is alright, despite the constant nasty of the dishroom. People are alright, despite the occasional butt who tries to act like a supervisor and tell people what to do...but you'll always have those I guess. The one thing that frustrates me most? All the money I earn from now on, literally all of it, is either going towards Italy, car payments, or my U-Bill. No more room for fun...growing up sucks.

On a better note, the freshmen in the clarinet studio all seem like really awesome people! There are 6, and they're all unique...and 4 of them have started a quartet not unlike our own. It's precious :)

I can only hope they won't be scared away!!

Next on the 8:00 news: my world has become a fine frenzy, a big pile of confusing, the very epitome of a hot mess.

Basically, as you already know, I'm generally very open about my life and what goes on in it. Here's the thing, yall...

I've started to realize that isn't always a good thing. I mean, of course I believe in honesty and all that, but I also feel like there's a point when someone can be too honest. Know what I mean?

Well, it's more like when someone reveals too much about themself. Yeah, the whole "TMI" concept never really bothered me as much as it is right now...

I feel like I've revealed so much about myself that I've become predictable, like a mediocre TV series. I've dug myself into an uncomfortable hole - it's time to climb out.

Also...

Just like there's a fine line between honesty and indecent exposure, I am suddenly more aware than I've ever been of the difference between a friend and a therapist.

This year already feels so much different from last year - new living situation, new major, new classes, and new people thrown in the mix. Not to mention, I've got the dilemma of my life...yk that feeling you get when you just can't seem to get over someone? Yeah. I've got it bad. And it's really complicated. Gohhhh.

I seem to have difficulty adjusting to change; I always adjust, but it takes a while. And hohohohohhhhhh is it taking a while this time.

So I'm sorry if I've been a total ass lately. I'm not trying to excuse myself of anything, oh no...I know I can be a stubborn bitch, and I know I do shit that pisses people off. I know I'm spacey, and profane, and sometimes lazy or crude. I know I've cried wolf before, claiming to be ready to make nice and change my ways...so I don't expect anyone to believe me this time. Which is unfortunate, because I finally believe myself.

I'll take more classes next semester if it kills me. I'll go to bed at 11:30, get up early to practice, do anything it takes. Like I said, growing up sucks...but it has to happen sometime.

The Missing Piece

I don't know why, but right now, I just can't deal.

Everything in my life seems to be going right - I made Jazz One and Wind Symphony, got selected to play on a song with orchestra, am rooming with one of my best friends in the whole world, am in better shape than I've been in a while, have a decently steady job, will be getting a car soon (one that I won't crash and won't be sold)...

So what is this?

There seems to be a huge void in my world, and it's hard to explain...in fact, I'm not sure I can. Not accurately, anyway.

I hate to be that girl, who has a lot of things but still complains...sorry. Nobody's perfect, and I'm certainly nowhere near a paragon of contentment. Is it just that I'm not satisfied, or am I neglecting an integral part of a happy life? What is it that I don't understand?

Not even a week into the school year, and already I feel discouraged. I don't know what to do about anything. I'm afraid of not living up to expectations, of not being what I'm cracked up to be, of delivering disappointing results...ultimately, I cringe at the very notion of failure. It's messed up, I know...My perspective is completely out of whack. I can't even comprehend what would happen were I to falter in any aspect of my school work, or practicing, or any of my other responsibilities.

And at the same time, while I'm feeling all of this, I feel like there's something missing. Something really big. I have almost everything I could possibly have wanted...but there's something else. I don't feel fulfilled, and no matter how many friends I may be surrounded with, sometimes I still feel alone.

WHAT IS THIS. It's confusing to me. It's pissing me off. Above all, it's distracting, which is causing me to ignore more important things that I should be thinking about.

Again, I'm sorry if you don't want to hear all that...be angry with me if you want. I completely understand if you say I deserve it. I know you've all got problems of your own. I just had to write this all down, to get it out.

Okay. Good things, good things, good things...

~Studio bonding tonight was pretty awesome. The new people seem really cool :)

~Clarinet ensemble starts tomorrow!

~Tomorrow is laundry day!

~People seem to like the thing I wear in my ear...

~Dr. M is giving me really hard music this semester...she must believe in me or something.

~My love for chicken is as strong as ever.

~I think I'll start re-learning Czech. I've been wanting/meaning to for a while :)

Bed time. As they say in Praha...Na Šledanou, doubrou noc.

Swim On, Little Fishie

Not really feeling very wordy today.

So after being back in Cedar Falls for a few days, it's been interesting.

Rooming with Stash...it took me about half an hour to get all my crap settled in here, I didn't bring that much. We have a lot of floor space, and do not yet own a TV. Without a doubt, it will be fun on a stick. I threw several Cheez-its at her and missed each time. Too many saxophones, need some to be gone. We had people over last night for some festivities, ended up laughing a lot, subsequently failing. Mostly though, fun times :)

Really into Deadmau5 lately, might be going to see him in October, holygodexciting.

My auditions both went really well, felt like I totally killed it on the clarinet one, hoping to kick some jazz ass this year (knock on wood). Results don't go up until a few hours from now (for concert ensembles), or after the jam tonight for jazz. Needless to say, suspense is killing me.

Seriously, listen to this..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tU-VA3BYzmg

I think I just killed a mau5.

Feeling so lucky to be surrounded by the people in my life...I can be emotionally wack sometimes, and that can be hard to put up with. Thank you, fate, for giving me such wonderful friends.

I wrote this. It speaks to my current mood.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pslKoZW8gyE

Sitting in my room right now, just thinking. I need to do that every once in a while. I also need to wash the silverware I just used...

That's all I've got for now. Nap time. Love yallllllllll.

The Floor Is Lava

Before I say anything about my own life, I need to vent.

This post, as a whole, isn't for me. This post is for anyone else who, like me, cannot fathom a reason as to why such bad things have to happen in the world. This post is for those of us who although we may not be directly affected, feel for those who are. Also, this is a little bit for me, just to get some things out.

A few minutes ago, I went on a philosophical rant on Twitter. Which I very rarely do. However, being that there are so many awful things going on right now, I had to spill a little.

Honestly, when I see people rioting in any situation, a chain of thoughts runs through my head...there's the initial question of what happened, of course. As I dig deeper, I honestly wonder what could have caused people to turn to violence in the first place. Was it really that big a deal? Did you really need to go steal, destroy buildings, beat people senseless, drive bystanders from their homes over this?? I understand disagreement, and the will to fight for what you believe in...what I don't understand is why it has to turn physical and escalate. Does the notion of peaceful protest seem unattainable, too "wimpy"?? Is it really necessary to turn to destruction as a method of getting what you want?

I think of Egypt, Libya, Iraq, China, London, and of course, America. Places like North Korea, Chechnya, Sudan. Whatever happened to the idea of peaceful resolution? The most reasonable conclusion I can come to is that there are too many people in the world who either haven't heard of, or refuse to accept the concept of compromising. Grow up, you fools...you can't always get what you want. Nobody can. We all make sacrifices on behalf of peace at different points in our lives...at least that's how it would be, in a more peaceful world.

These pictures really got me thinking...(Don't look if you don't want to be depressed!!)

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2011/08/london_riots.html (from a tweet by Toni Hoffman)

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2011/07/the_norway_attacks.html?camp=obinsite

Other things I've been thinking about/fail to understand:

~Michelle Bachmann needs to catch up with the rest of the world. The idea that there are people who agree with her message of hate and ignorance...it's disturbing. This woman needs help, y'all. Someone needs to help her see how clearly unjustified her prejudice is. If (lord forbid) her candidacy becomes serious, I really hope her supporters will eventually realize what they're actually supporting - a giant leap backwards for civil rights, and what would most certainly be a reign of terror and intolerance.

~Why is our government so indecisive? I can't begin to understand why they had to be so stubborn and argue for so long about it. So many times, they were so close to a solution...gah. And it's not just this debt ceiling thing either, it's everything!! Nobody can agree on anything anymore! Wtf.

~How the hell old is Ron Paul anyway? Self explanatory.

Rant over.

Lets have some good things to balance out all the angst...

I've been sleeping better lately! About a week ago, I started taking an over-the-counter sleep aid, after several days of staying up until 6AM and not being able to sleep. Speaking of which, I'm getting reeeeeeal tired right about now...

Also, only a week until I move back to Cedar Falls!! Time for a year of taking life as it comes, working hard, and unleashing the power of the sun. Xena has dismounted her horse...I'm still a warrior princess, fierce as ever - but after a year of battle, I feel just the right shade of tame.

This summer has made me realize a lot of things. Most importantly, I feel like I know where I'm going, and that I can totally get there and be happy, and have an awesome time along the way! I don't feel overambitious, nor do I feel like I'm not going anywhere at all. I feel like I know how to be. Which is pretty great :)

I've been practicing the tits off my pieces for the fall; I've picked the one for my audition, and am ready to get in there and tear it up...lets DO THIS, Von Koch!!!

K, tired now...buh-bye.

Now And Again

Well well well, look what the cat dragged in!

It's been months, I know...sorry. Not that I don't care anymore. It's not you, it's me.

But I'm back, and I have stories!! *yay*

It all started the last week of my freshman year of college, which ended up being a whirlwind adventure. So get ready.

To start off, guess who aced her performance major audition?!? This bitchhhhhh! After months of preparation, I stood up in front of Dr. M and friends, played the Bernstein sonata and Weber's Concerto no.2, and (I would like to think) melted some faces. Before I get too caught up in talking about it, I'll just say how stoked I am. Which is a lot.

I mean, this is totally a huge step, and it opens up a whole lot of doors for me! But even though it makes me one happy lil' fartknocker, being a performance major has created some problems. As if, right?

For example...as much as I loved being a part of my section in marching band last year, which was a lot, I could never kid myself into thinking I liked the marching part of it. Call me whatever you want, I don't care. I hate the long rehearsals, and the fact that it would completely eat up my Saturdays. For these reasons, and because it isn't required of performance majors, I immediately opted out of PMB. In an unprecedented turn of events, my action on this matter provoked an OUTRAGEOUS reaction! I wish some people would understand, it's NOTHING PERSONAL. Just because I'm not gonna go walk around a football field with you and blast my brains out in an un-musical fashion, while I could be working and earning money or practicing, doesn't mean I don't love you!! Damn!! What do you think I am, lame or something??

...well I guess that's the only problem it created. And even then it really isn't a huge problem. Marching band is a weight I've been dying to get off my shoulders for many moons. People just need to understand that. Geuuuuhhhhhh.

Moving on.

THEN came the summer job search. Now, I didn't know most people started looking for summer jobs in February...so one might imagine I was pretty severely POed while having little to no luck in May. By some weird stroke of luck, I ended up being offered 3 jobs in the same week (wtf, right?) - I could either work in the mobile department at Best Buy, be a detasseling supervisor, or do seasonal custodial work for the CR Schools. Naturally, I took the one with the most hours.

Now, I always pictured janitorial workers as somewhat upset to be where they were...so I didn't expect this job to be all sunshine and farts. I show up for my first day of work as summer cleaning personnel at Polk Elementary, and am greeted by the building engineer, Terry, who introduces me to Tina the Lunch Lady and Dirty Dawn.

Picture the classic suburban middle-aged mom. Friendly, crazy about her family, always claiming to watch her figure. Throw in a touch of redneck, and you've got Tina. I worked with her the most, cleaning classroom furniture, floors and walls. The nice part about this was I never felt like I had to say anything, since she talked the day away about"my daughter, Jewell" and "my Husband, Tim" and "my dog, Scooby".

Dawn was, needless to say...something else. I was in constant awe, not only of how she taught me an entirely new meaning of the word "profane", but of how she managed to survive at all. This woman lived on a daily diet of beer, cigarettes, and cheeseburgers. It's like...what?!?

Go to my twitter for some juicy quotes from this one. My personal favorite...

Tina: "Dawn, does your daughter want to go to church this Wednesday?"

Dawn: "She better not..."

Tina: "Why not?"

Dawn: "'Cuz I can't drive after 6."

So.

After a while of working there, I was transferred to Viola Gibson Elementary, which is across town and staffed by a much more intelligent group of tits. Win.

On the downside, I hurt myself at work last week. All the furniture-moving and desk-scrubbing took its toll on the tendons in my right wrist, leaving me with an inflamed carpal tunnel and preventing me from practicing for a few days. Also, that bump I've had on that same wrist forever? Turned out to be a ganglean cyst. Says the doctor: "It's not cancer, but it's not normal."

W00000...so I'm getting that checked out next week. Awesome.

Moving on!

I think most of you who read this know by now that I was involved with someone at the end of the year. For those of you who don't know, don't be alarmed - it was a girl. I won't say who it was, I don't know if she'd want me talking about it so publicly...we broke it off about a week and a half into the summer. She tells me it was because she'd have been away for the whole summer, and it would have been difficult to stay together because of that. Also, the timing was bad, being that the summer had just begun and we live in different cities.

I totally understand and agree with all of that...but being the hopelessly sensitive person I am, I still can't help but wonder if I somehow upset her. And it doesn't change the fact that even though this was a few months ago, I still miss her. I want so badly to talk to her again, but that proves difficult when we're both working all the time, and when I'm just plain nervous that she won't WANT to talk to me. Maybe it's irrational of me to be nervous about such a thing. At the same time, I can't really help it.

I guess only time will tell, hm? :/

MOVING ON...

Among the more exciting things I've done this summer was my visit to the Quad Cities, to visit my beloved quartet!!! Stash and I drove to Bettendorf in June, stayed with Abbey for a few days and we were reunited with the legend himself, Scott Bosco, and the best GBF I could ever ask for, Isaak Sund!! It was a weekend to remember...and it was all the easier to remember, being that there was no alcohol involved :P

I love these people, SO much...if I haven't said it before, I'll say it now; It's as if we were fated to meet. And I can't wait to spend the next 3 years with them by my side :)

Oh, and on a side note...I've been playing in the pit for TCR's production of Guys And Dolls. When they told me they wanted to hire me for the entire run, I literally cried. Ask my dad. I was a mess. It's been awesome, and I'm so stoked to have had this chance...I know now that I have the potential to succeed, in a major way. And it makes me have to pee with excitement.

Btw, I made this -check it out!!! Sorry if you've already seen it and don't care anymore, but I'm still proud of it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkWOBoenj-o&feature=channel_video_title

Working on a new one as we speak. So yeah.

K, I've been typing for a pretty long time now, and it's starting to hurt my crippled hand. I hope this update on my life was sufficient!

Peace out, word to your mother, etc.

Bye.

Asstastic!!

So. Haven't updated in a while. I've got other cuisine on my plate...sorry it's been so long, my lovelies. Having dispensed with the pleasantries, get ready for a crapload of fun in this post - it's asstastic!

Alright. First of all, to be perfectly blunt, I must just have rotten luck. No matter how professional I am when looking for a job, no matter how polite I am or how hard I work, no one has yet been willing to give me a chance.

I hate CR. I hate this economy, I hate being destined to live each day on the bottom rung of the ladder. I hate the possibility of never having the career I want in the future.

Of course, I knew what I was getting into when I chose this path...I knew it would prove difficult to find work as a musician upon graduating. I knew that. That, I'm not as concerned about. It's inevitable. At least then, I'll be done with school.

What I didn't count on was how hard it would be to find a minimum-wage job to help support myself UNTIL graduation.

Here's what I would like to have happen:

Find a steady job that I can have through my whole college career. Use the money from said job to pay rent and move off campus my Junior year. Live a happy college life not feeling like a burden on society. Go to grad school in New Mexico or Chicago, get my M.M. and eventually my doctorate. Take auditions until I find a position with an orchestra somewhere, make my way up the clarinet food chain. Everything works out.

Here's what I'm afraid will happen:

I continue to have my shitty luck, and don't find a job. Live in my parents' house every summer until I graduate, acting as my mom's slave. Stay in the dorms for the rest of my undergrad, put up with annoying neighbors and UNI's high cost of room and board. Have to postpone going to grad school because I can't afford it, scramble to find a job and work to pay off my student loans. Even then, after I've eventually made it through grad school, who's to say I'll be good enough to make it in my dream job anyway.

I don't want to end up a wannabe...I want to be somebody. Right now, I feel like nobody. I have been trying to get a job ever since summer began. Some of the lovely responses I've received: "Sorry, we just hired some new people." "We aren't looking for seasonal employees, sorry." "We're always taking applications, you might hear from us in a few weeks or something..." or, my personal favorite, NO RESPONSE AT ALL. I am available for 84 hours a week, including nights, weekends, and overtime. I'm willing to come back and work during the school year, during which I only live 45 minutes away from CR. I have a little over 2 years of experience working menial jobs like the ones I'm applying for, and have been more polite than a Mormon at church when interacting with potential employers. I've been calling back and following up on apps, which is always a good idea. What am I doing wrong?? Is there something I'm missing??

The only conclusion I've drawn is that I'm undesirable in one way or another. Oh well. Time to go lose 50 pounds, dress like an office slut and use my body to get ahead in the workplace. That must be what it takes to get hired these days.

Christ on a crutch...

And the list of reasons I need money is a mile long!

~I want so badly to be able to go visit my friends in Des Moines/the Quad Cities...With gas as expensive as it is, It'll cost a small fortune to get there and back. Stash, Abcde, Scott, Isaak, Katie - It will happen soon!! If I could, I would pull a Charlie Sheen; I'd shake my tits and make it so. Alas...I'm not some kind of magic genie. That doesn't work.

~Along the lines of gas and going places, I need to make it up to Cedar Fools in June to have a lesson with Dr. McCandless. I've been working on a lot of things, and she and I need to meet up to make sure I'm on the right track with interpretation and what not. It's for the clarinet...it's for the common good.

~Wind Symphony is going to Italy next year. Needless to say, that's a pretty big deal. As if I'm not already worried that I won't be able to go (if I get beat out by a freshman or something), I'm INCREDIBLY worried about the $1000 I need to save up to go if I make the band again.

~I can't just spend the whole year being broke. This reason is pretty self explanatory; If I am to have any sort of respect for myself, I can't owe people any money. It's rude, and reflects irresponsibility. Plus, my fear is that it'll alienate people from me for being a mooche! A financial leech, a deadbeat, a walking pity party, the friend who can never pay for herself and ends up being a total drag to hang out with because she feels like a loser for MOOCHING. I don't want to be that, hell to the no!! It'll be a calm day in Libya before I lose my dignity like that...

...but I digress.

I think I should just stop talking, I've said what I need to say. Until next time, I'll keep practicing until the sun sets, and hoping for the best.

Bye, y'all.