Actually it's not. Ha.
I'm gonna warn you right now. This post is my giant ball of stress being released. I need to get some stuff out, BAD. The world isn't all sunshine and farts, and as it seems, the weeks leading up to finals are a time when a great number of college students come to that harsh realization. So if you don't want to hear me vent and sob uncontrollably through words, please leave now.
You know what I hate? Being a freshman. This whole signing up for classes thing is entirely too stressful! As if the fact that freshmen have to wait the longest to sign up isn't enough, I have to wait until the LAST day we're assigned to sign up. I worry about my classes being full. I'm also having financial issues again...from now on, no spending. On anything. Looks like the schweekends are either gonna get really complicated, or go on hold for a while :/
I'm in a serious funk, and it's both pissing me off and making me super moody. On top of that, I'm expecting an unpleasant visitor any day now. Great.
Today, I flipped out on one of my friends from high school for the way some of our other friends (and she herself sometmes) treated me back then. I won't go into detail about how the conversation got started, but ohhhhh I was pissed...I held back from using profanity and was as polite to her as I could muster, and I think she honestly felt bad. Surprisingly, we've become a lot better friends since we graduated, even though we're miles and miles apart. I think it's because the high school environment does things to people...
Sometimes, I wish there was a button I could push to erase the past...or parts of it, anyway. I think back to my years at Wash specifically, during which I let a lot of things get to me. You've heard tell of a classic scenario, where there's a girl who all the other girls make "friends" with, then end up bullying her for being an individual, or because she stands out? I was that girl. I didn't choose to be the way I am for the sake of going against the grain, I chose to be what I wanted to be because it was what I was used to. I had been taught to appreciate differences, and everyone had always let me be myself without consequence. That's how the world is supposed to work, but not how it worked with these people.
At first I took it as a joke when they would tell me I looked like trash, or that a teacher hated me for being late to class, or made fun of me for whatever else. I brushed it off, thinking they were just playing around...but after a while, it gets old. I would ask them to stop, trying to talk it out, and they would take pity on me for a little while; but it always started up again. At some point, it had gone so far that I began to believe the things they were saying about me.
"I always sit second to you because you're the favorite...I know I'm more prepared than you are. You just get everything you want, and you don't even have to work for it."
"Why are you wearing that? You do realize that's ugly..."
"This is why you have trouble meeting guys...seriously, you need to stop being trashy."
"Oh my god...Madeline's happy. It's probably something stupid."
"Was anyone talking to you? No. Shut up."
"You're so clumsy, I wonder how anyone can trust you around anything expensive."
And the worst one:
"We only say these things to you because we love you."
I hate to sound like a whiny bitch, but when you hear things like that on a daily basis, it kind of convinces you that they're true. (Except, sadly, the last one.)
I''ve changed, for the better, in a lot of ways since high school...I know I've only been in college for 3 1/2 months, but a lot can happen in that amount of time. I feel like I've grown, not only physically from eating more, but emotionally and mentally, from my new found independence. It's made me look back on some things and wish I had acted differently, and look back on others and not want to change them at all. I feel bad for doing stupid little senioritis things like being late to jazz band rehearsal and not caring about AP US Government or Econ, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I can only hope that in the future, when I go back and visit, my old band directors, teachers, and friends will see an improvement in my character and professionalism. I feel bad for being slightly out of control during my senior year...in a lot of ways, I've calmed down and become more reasonable, which comes from learning certain things the hard way.
Let me tell you...I have worked DAMN hard to be the musician I am today. I know I'm nowhere near the best, but I am proud of what I've accomplished through hard work. For anyone to think I don't work hard to earn the things that I have..that hurts.
I feel misunderstood. There's a difference between joking/enthusiasm, and legitimately having an ego. I know I like to joke around; I'll be sassy or funny sometimes, but in NO WAY does that reflect how I feel about myself. Truth be told, I'm very critical of myself in some ways - I rarely feel good about a solo I've played, I worry what people think of me, and I hate having unnecessary attention drawn to me. If I receive some sort of special honor, I hate talking to people about it (unless they ask me) because it just doesn't feel right to speak highly of myself. I like to think I'm humble, but correct me of I'm wrong.
Idk...
I'm a mess right now.
TOM UPDATE:
We hung out last week. It was fun, but I have that ever-present feeling that it's just not gonna happen...I hope that's just my mood talking, but I really don't know. I asked him if he wanted to hang out again, like just us, and he made this cute little thinking face and said "Yeah, lets do it!" But I haven't seen him much since we've been back in school...He's SO hard to read! I just want him to one of these days, come up to me and just flat out give me answers to my burning questions. It would go something like this...
Madeline: Could you ever see us being more than friends??
Tom: NO STFU
or...
Tom: Yeah, maybe. We should hang out more!
If only I weren't so goddamn clueless about this kind of thing. I want to be sure, but there's no way of being sure when he's so short-worded and awkward. Balls. This is just not going well.
Ohhhh lord I need to try and cheer up.
I love Dr. McCandless, I really do. She's such an admirable person. Every time I interact with her, her professionalism never falters; and yet, we can still joke around in my lessons. I feel like I've learned so much from her, not only about the clarinet, but about how professional musicians should act. I come away from each lesson having learned something new, whether it's about the clarinet itself, the piece I'm playing, a composer or historical figure, or what it means to be a performer. She just seems to know a whole freaking lot about a lot of things. And she's really good at understanding her students. I can think of several occasions when I've had a bad day or something, and she's had encouraging words for me and even let me reschedule for later in the week (if I'd been sick). Her faith in her students, her positive attitude, and her professionalism are inspiring. I'm proud to have her as a teacher!
Ummmmmmmmmmm...
Things I'm looking forward to:
~Juries. I feel really well prepared!
~The end of the semester. That'll be nice.
~I'm like 99% sure I'll be playing in the pit for Sweeney Todd at TCR (Theater Cedar Rapids) this February. The music director just needs to make the final decisions about how many players to use for WW, Brass, and Strings...but I'm at the top of the list for WW's so I'm feeling pretty good about it!
~Going to the Dave Holland concert in January with Leah and Toni - CHRIS POTTER OMGOMGOMG.
~More snow!
~2 concerts this week, Clarinet Ensemble tomorrow night and jazz bands at the Hub Thursday night. Yay.
~No group piano tomorrow
...Fin
No comments:
Post a Comment