Can you guys keep a secret?
...I'm afraid of falling in love.
I'm walking around this morning, doing whatever, going to my sightsinging test (which I aced), clarinet ensemble, etc. Everything seems to be going well - I'm hanging out with Scott (always a good time), helping James set up chairs, picked up Stacia to go to ensemble, going about my business.
I was struck today with overwhelming self awareness. Amid the frippery around me, I began to sense my own awkwardness, my own certain...I don't know what.
Not trying to be a Debbie Downer or anything, but when I really like someone, generally, this happens:
Stage 1: You're cool. We get along really well. It's fun. Yay.
Stage 2: Holy crap I think I like you. We have a lot in common, you make me really happy, things are good!
Stage 3: I'm scared I'm not good enough for you, you could do much better than me. I can't tell you how I feel or I'll panic. I'll just set you free. No big deal..
I mean, I always recover. This is just another way of illustrating the fact that I'm shy as hell.
I really like this guy right now...we'll call him The Legend.
Can't give out too many details. If he does find out, I want it to be in person. But I will tell you that he's a walking good time; whenever we hang out, we always have so much fun, and he cracks me up! We have SO much in common..we can talk about most anything and it isn't the least bit awkward. He's really tolerant, really open, and really sweet. Not to mention his eyes, whose inviting gaze grabs hold of me and doesn't let go. I could go on for a while about him, but I don't want to be that girl.
In any case, I'm terrified to tell him, not only because we're friends, but also because he's (how should I say this)...taken. By a girl I perceive to be among the most boring on the planet. I won't go any further down the path of jealousy, but you'd better believe there's some frustration goin' on in my crazy lil' heart right now.
Isaak says I should just tell him (TL) how I feel, that I never know what could happen. I hate the disappointment of rejection almost as much as I hate clowns, so naturally, I'm thinking hell-to-the-no. But college is all about new experiences, right? After some serious arguing between my hormones and my rational thoughts, I changed my decision...ahhh, what the fuck. Why not.
I'm thinking of dropping the load tonight. Not quite sure how I'll bring it up, I'll have to wait for the opportunity to arise..at which point I'll be both totally stoked AND shit-and-piss scared. Oh well! I just have to remember not to flip a tit, no matter what he says, and I'm golden.
HEALTH UPDATE:
I've gone to the WRC every day this week. Yesterday, in addition to my stint on the elliptical, Caryn and I did a 15-minute ab workout, which about killed me, due to my lack of abs. Woke up this morning and OHHHHHOHOHOH lordy could I feel it. It also appears I'm beginning to lose some girth. Awesomeeeeee.
I'll keep you posted...lets hope I don't crash and burn.
<3
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