The Missing Piece

I don't know why, but right now, I just can't deal.

Everything in my life seems to be going right - I made Jazz One and Wind Symphony, got selected to play on a song with orchestra, am rooming with one of my best friends in the whole world, am in better shape than I've been in a while, have a decently steady job, will be getting a car soon (one that I won't crash and won't be sold)...

So what is this?

There seems to be a huge void in my world, and it's hard to explain...in fact, I'm not sure I can. Not accurately, anyway.

I hate to be that girl, who has a lot of things but still complains...sorry. Nobody's perfect, and I'm certainly nowhere near a paragon of contentment. Is it just that I'm not satisfied, or am I neglecting an integral part of a happy life? What is it that I don't understand?

Not even a week into the school year, and already I feel discouraged. I don't know what to do about anything. I'm afraid of not living up to expectations, of not being what I'm cracked up to be, of delivering disappointing results...ultimately, I cringe at the very notion of failure. It's messed up, I know...My perspective is completely out of whack. I can't even comprehend what would happen were I to falter in any aspect of my school work, or practicing, or any of my other responsibilities.

And at the same time, while I'm feeling all of this, I feel like there's something missing. Something really big. I have almost everything I could possibly have wanted...but there's something else. I don't feel fulfilled, and no matter how many friends I may be surrounded with, sometimes I still feel alone.

WHAT IS THIS. It's confusing to me. It's pissing me off. Above all, it's distracting, which is causing me to ignore more important things that I should be thinking about.

Again, I'm sorry if you don't want to hear all that...be angry with me if you want. I completely understand if you say I deserve it. I know you've all got problems of your own. I just had to write this all down, to get it out.

Okay. Good things, good things, good things...

~Studio bonding tonight was pretty awesome. The new people seem really cool :)

~Clarinet ensemble starts tomorrow!

~Tomorrow is laundry day!

~People seem to like the thing I wear in my ear...

~Dr. M is giving me really hard music this semester...she must believe in me or something.

~My love for chicken is as strong as ever.

~I think I'll start re-learning Czech. I've been wanting/meaning to for a while :)

Bed time. As they say in Praha...Na Šledanou, doubrou noc.